Downer Happenings

New Website

2008-08-03T22:29:00.002-04:00

Hello All,
Downer Happenings has been moved to a new website. Please come on over and visit us at:

http://downerhappenings.weebly.com/

Nathan and Becky

Promised Pictures

2008-07-29T22:21:00.023-04:00

So Nathan and I went on our whale watching trip this past weekend. The weather was cilly and gray, but we had a great time hanging out on the boat. We left from home at 5:30 AM and arrived in Seattle at 7:00, around 7:45 our boat pulled out of the harbor and started a three hour journey to the San Juan Islands. After we arrived at the Islands we stayed on the boat for a two hour whale watching trip. We did get to see some whales, but they were not very enthusiastic so we only got pictures of their backs.

After the whale watching trip we were dropped off at the Islands for two hours before our shipped left to go back home. While we were hanging out I snapped some pictures of the harbor. All-in-all we had a great time!

Another Birthday

2008-07-24T15:53:00.007-04:00

This week another two of my favorite people are celebrating their birthdays.

First off my wonderful brother-in-law Bradley (Jackie's husband) turned 24.

The second person is a little bit nearer and dearer to my heart. My wonderful, handsome husband will be celebrating his 22nd birthday July 29. This weekend we'll be celebrating by going on a one day cruise to the San Juan Islands and going whale watching. I'm pretty excited as neither of us have gone whale watching before, but both of us have really wanted to. I've been told we are pretty much guaranteed to see some whales as pods of Orcas live off the coast of the San Juan Islands. We also get about two hours of free time to explore the Islands alone as well during the day so that will be pretty exciting as well. I'll post lots of pictures when we get back.

As to other exciting things going on, Nathan and I painted our living room, dining room and kitchen over the last two weeks. We also attended the McCord Airforce Base Air Show this last weekend along with about 100,000 people. We met Bo, Jeanne, Stacey, and Chad and his wife at the air show as well. It was so nice to reconnect with old friends from home. The Harris' also came over last night to our home to check it out and take pictures to take back to my Mom (I've heard these photos will be held for ransom seeing how my Mom wants very badly to be out here visiting).

Anyway, the air show was awesome, we saw all kinds of planes flying around and we got watch the Thunderbirds preform as well. Nathan and I had such a great time we almost forgave the sun for roasting us like a frying pan would bacon. Chad showed us the plane he flies (C-17) and we got to look around it a little. It's pretty sweet and HUGE, if the wings were removed a C-130 would fit inside the C-17.

All-in-all we have been enjoying the beautiful summer weather and having a great time. Jackie and Brad will be coming out in September so we are busy making plans and trying to get the house ready for them to be comfortable. I can not wait to see my sister (and her belly with my little niece or nephew inside) and Bradley too of course. :-)

I'll post pictures of the house soon.

Birthdays and Adventures

2008-07-03T14:02:00.002-04:00

I celebrated my 24th Birthday last weekend. It was so nice to receive cards from all my brothers and sisters, they are so sweet and have such random things to tell. Daniel is learning new jumps on his dirt bike, Emily sent me a picture of her in silly sunglasses that made me just bust out laughing, and she told me about how she volunteers at a horse farm for handicapped children. She's a cool lil Sis. Chris thinks he has a future as an interior decorator (thankfully I think he'll grow out of that one...I hope) as he moved his and Daniel's entire room around after it was painted. I guess he did a really good job from what I hear. Jackie graduated from Christ Hospital with her RN and of course there is that little fact she's having a baby too.

Tom and Connie called and left me a message with the most depressing birthday song anyone has ever sung to me. Made me glad to be alive...NOT! It was so depressing it was absolutely hysterical. Then they sent me an e-card with an opera singer singing happy birthday...I really don't know which one was worse, but they made me laugh. Thanks guys!

My beloved friend Belinda sent me a birthday box filled with little goodies and sarcastic notes. She also sent me a very fitting card. It read: Ok, ok since today is your birthday the world can revolve around you...but tomorrow it goes back to revolving around me. HAHA! It was awesome. Thanks Girl.

All-in-all I had a wonderful birthday. Nathan was on duty but he managed to get out of it by standing the first watch of the day. Once he got home we headed up to Hanesville, WA to a beach called Point No Point about an hour away. We walked the beach, saw a lighthouse, and just dilly dallied around for a few hours enjoying the fact that we were together. After we left we went out for dinner then joined up with one of his friends and we went to a rodeo.

As to the adventures: Nathan and I have come to the conclusion we are accident prone and we need to STOP leaving the house. Last week while we were running to the store to grab some pizza shells we were rear-ended by a lady who failed to stop behind us. We now have to have our bumper replaced on the brand new car we just bought and the lady's insurance company is saying they won't do anything about it. $1500 damage was done to the car plus the value just fell as well since it was involved in an accident. Now we get the joy of fighting with insurance. Good thing is this time around no one was hurt and the car is still drivable. God is so good, He kept us safe once again and thankfully He did not allow nightmares to start up again from the first accident just a few weeks ago. I know He has a plan for everything so neither Nathan or I are complaining.

Oh, one piece of good news: We finally found a Church. We have to drive almost an hour one way to get there as it's past Tacoma, but it's a good Bible believing, holiness Church. We are so grateful to have finally found something after two months of searching. Again, God is good.

A Washington Summer

2008-06-24T15:46:00.002-04:00

I think summer has finally arrived here in Washington. Amazingly enough it has not rained in almost a week (I need some wood to knock on)! When the days are sunny and hitting 65 - 70 degrees out things can't get much more beautiful. Yesterday as I was driving to work you could see the Mountains and their snow-capped peaks. Usually they are covered in clouds, but every now and then they peek out and I am awe struck at just how beautiful the area is. One of these days I'm going to pull over and take a snap-shot of the ranges on my way to work.

As the days are getting warmer you can actually start smelling the ocean and the sea salt in the air. It's not like the east coast's humid air, instead it's a faint but unmistakable smell of ocean. The other day Nathan and I went up to Port Defiance near Tacoma and explored a park, while there we were able to see a whale out in the bay just swimming around and spouting water. It was the coolest thing ever! Both of us were like little kids at the petting zoo. I called my brothers and sister and Nate jumped out to take a picture and the smile on his face like that of a little boy who had just been given the world's largest lolly-pop.

Things are calming down as both Nathan and I are getting used to life and our routines. I'm beginning to learn my way around town, but even then I can never seem to find Wal-Mart. I was out and about the other day and I knew it was near here on a road "somewhere" but I just couldn't find "that one road" no matter how hard I tried. Other than never remembering where Wal-Mart is I'm doing really well with the area...considering...

Anyway, hope everyone is doing well.

Fast Cars and Guns...

2008-06-19T23:00:00.008-04:00

...that's the way I like it. So finally after a long, hard search and some major bumps along the way Nathan and I have a car. Gas prices hit $4.45 a gallon here in Washington so the SUV was not very economical anymore. Instead I know drive a 2005 BMW 525i and I absolutely love it! This baby can go almost two weeks on one tank of gas...which is very, very nice. Nathan had the windows almost blacked out which means it now looks like a gangsta car...but it looks so cool. Unfortuneately since the tint is well over the legal limit if either of us drive the car faster than the limit we could be a target for police harassment. Oh well, it's well worth the risk. No one cars until you do something stupid, so we're making sure no one does. :-)
The other new news is my husband bought me an early birthday present. I am now the proud owner of a Springfield XD .40 subcompact. We are still having problems with someone playing around the house and Nathan did not feel comfortable leaving me home alone without some form of protection. I went down to the Sheriff's office today and turned in my application, got fingerprinted, and walked out the door 20 minutes later with my Conceal Carry License. Since someone thinks it's funny to keep messing with us, I have a little bit of insurance they won't be messing with me when I'm alone. We keep finding little things around the house indicating someone has been here, and this morning Nathan found stuff out in the bushes when he left for work. Nothing was there when we went to bed. We are both getting very tired of being messed with. We have someone coming to give us a quote on a security system tomorrow. It makes me nervous knowing someone is watching not only the house but both of us as well and we don't have a clue as to who or why. Please pray for God's continued protection. In a few weeks we should be getting neighbors as four of the houses on our street have sold. Hopefully this will help as we won't be the only ones living on our street anymore and traffic will start picking up at all hours of the day. God has been good to us and I have no doubt He will continue to protect us.

Another day in the life of the Downers...

2008-06-06T13:30:00.002-04:00

Boy oh boy am I ready for life to get back to normal. Things have been so crazy with the wedding, moving across country, totaling a car, buying an SUV to get out to WA, trading in the SUV since gas soared to $4.30 a gallon, finding a car we wanted and drove it for a week only to return it when things didn't work out, to finding another car that worked for us.

The minor things that have been going on would include me locking myself out of the SUV while Nathan was on duty and not coming home till the next day. The very next week I went home from work to find my keys would no longer unlock the dead-bolt on our front door. After fiddling with it for about 20 mins. I tracked down my husband who was on duty again (and not coming home till the next night) and had to swap out keys and I took his garage door opener too. I went back home to find his keys would not work either... I'm seeing a pattern of me having bad luck with keys on duty days. This needs to stop!

Several days later...
Nathan got off work early and went home to find that someone had been in our house. Mind you our keys still would not work, so someone had a key that would. This person came in, didn't take anything but left several lights on in the house and left the front door unlocked when they left. Now why would someone want to do that?? We have a theory...

The theory is: Several months ago we thought about having a security system put on the house. Nathan called Brinks Security and had someone come out and give him a quote. After we talked about the quoted price we decided to wait for a few months and the salesman got very upset with Nathan and went off on him telling him we would be sorry. Two weeks ago this salesman called Nate back and asked how things were going and if we had changed our minds about the system and how much he would like to earn our business. Nathan ignored the call. Two days later our front door keys would not work. The guy called back, again asking how things were going and if he could earn our business...again the call was ignored. Monday rolled around and that's the day Nathan came home early to find the house unlocked and lights on. We think he came over to the house, messed the locks us so he could get in, called us and we didn't do anything, so he came back just to mess with our heads and prove he could get in hoping we would freak out and give him our business since "someone had been in our house."

Needless to say, instead we changed the locks to the house, called the police to make a report of the incident, and told them our suspicions. The police told us to call Brinks and let them know we do not want this guy contacting us anymore. Now if this guy calls back we can get him on harassment. I think I'm going to go ahead and get my conceal to carry license and a nice little sup-compact .40 to keep with me, especially if this guy goes crazy on us and I'm home alone one night a week. If he knows our schedule enough to get into the house while we're not home, who knows what else he knows about us.

I can not wait for all the excitement to calm down so life can get back to normal routine!

Wedding Pictures

2008-06-04T18:46:00.010-04:00

Here are a few pictures from the wedding. Valerie did a wonderful job and I can not wait to see the CD my Mom is sending. I'll post more when I get them.

Enjoy!

Quick Update

2008-05-30T19:29:00.004-04:00

I found a job. I am now working as an office assistant for Sungrafx, a company who specializes in graphic design for large corporations. So far, everything is going well. I'm finally catching on to my duties and I've only made one big boo boo this week that cost me a trip to Tacoma and back yesterday. Oh well, it really wasn't all my fault, but I shouldered the blame and fixed the mistake. It's hard when your boss starts freaking out on you about something you had no clue about. Live and learn right?

Life has been good. Last week Nathan and I drove down to Tacoma just looking around and we ended up trading the Expedition in for a car. Even though we both liked the security of the bigger SUV, the gas prices soared up to $4.10 a gallon here so keeping the "tank" became quite a drain on the wallet. So bye, bye tank and hello car that gets 30-50 MPG instead of 13!

On Monday we decided to take a road trip and visit the Olympic National Forest. It was absolutely beautiful. While out and about we also stopped at the Pacific Ocean, but didn't stay out too long since it was pretty cold. All-in-all we had a wonderful day just exploring God's wonderful creation.

I will post pictures of the trip and the improvements we've done to the house soon.

Pictures

2008-05-14T21:16:00.012-04:00

Here are the promised pictures of the crash and the new "Sherman Tank" we now drive. No one messes with us on the road and we are definately not rolling this hunk of steel!

Home Sweet Home

2008-05-12T11:11:00.002-04:00

We are home. Praise the Lord!

After all of our adventures this past week I am thankful to say our new Expidition (with a V8 engine and 4-wheel drive; yes we went BIG) pulled the U-Haul trailer like a champ and we made it home around 1:30 a.m. this morning.

Pcitures to follow.

Rock 'N Roll

2008-05-12T10:57:00.001-04:00

So today is my one week anniversary and boy do I have a lot of news to share!
To start, Nathan and I are still in Billings, Montana because of a minor mishap we had while on the road Friday. The mishap happened around 12:00 p.m. about an hour after we started out on our trip for the day. The road had been fine all morning, but around Big Timber, Montana we noticed the temperature outside had dropped several degrees and just as we crossed an overpass the car hit slush and the trailer we were pulling jackknifed. Now when a car and trailer jackknife bad things happen, namely you get pushed sideways down I-90.

Nathan tried his best to get the car back but there was no hope. He looked over at me and said: "hang on Baby this is not going to be good." As soon as he said that we hit the ditch with the trailer pushing us at 70 MPH and I just started crying out to God to protect us. The trailer broke loose from the car and we started rolling. I have to say that moment was the most terrifying thing I have ever lived through.

The car rolled once and landed on its roof and we slid for a while before it came to a stop. Nathan immediately asked me if I was ok and it took me a second to answer him which freaked him out, but I was fine and finally found my voice. We were both hanging upside down by our seatbelts (thank the Lord for seatbelts) so he had to unbuckle himself then crawl over to let me down.

Once we were both free we checked for blood and found none so we started concentrating on finding a way out of the car. The driver's and passenger windows were the only openings big enough, and Nathan started kicking to get them to break, all to no avail. I started to panic since I tend to be claustrophobic which didn't help matters any. Eventually Nathan had to use his gun to shoot out the window so we coulg get out of the car.

So to make a long story short, we took a ride to the clinic to get checked out, the car was totaled by an insurance agent, we found a ride back to Billings and ended up buying an '06 Ford Expedition (no more little cars for us!).

I have to give God all the praise. Everyone who witnessed the accident said there was no way we should have walked away from that accident alive. Both Nathan and I walked away with only a slight cut on his hand from gripping the steering wheel so hard. We are both sore and a tad bit shy of cars at the moment, but otherwise praising God to be alive.

Pictures will follow soon.

A New Beginning

2008-05-06T14:04:00.002-04:00

Hello my dear and faithful readers,
Just a quick hello to let you know I am now Mrs. Nathanael Downer! At the moment we are in Ada, Ohio saying goodbye to Nathan's family and then we'll be heading out to Washington. I can not wait to see my new home.

Please keep us in your prayers that God would keep His hand upon us and our car as we travel almost 3,000 miles across the country. I'll post when I can.

Hurry and wait

2008-04-24T09:48:00.003-04:00

Do you ever feel like all you do is hurry to get things done, then wait, and wait, and wait for the right time to come around? I know that's how I feel right now. Everything has been such a whirlwind with moving the wedding up, Nathan signing on and moving into our house, and me back here trying to finish up last minuet details for the wedding and moving home. Now that pretty much everything except me moving home is done, we get to wait.

Wait on what? Well, I have to wait 5 more days till I can pick the man I love up at the airport...talk about torture, I haven't seen him for 3 months and the excitement just makes the hours seem to drag by. Hopefully the next few days will go by quickly as I have a lot to get done. I can not wait to see my boy!

Mom has worked very hard on getting all the flowers for the decorating of the church and reception hall done. Now we have to wait for Saturday morning to arrive so we can set up the hall. Thankfully Thursday of next week we'll be able to get the church decorated. I'm so thankful for the small blessings.

Jackie has also been working very hard on getting the tops to the bridesmaid's dresses fixed and she has been doing a wonderful job. She finished the first one last night and has the other two just about done. Did I ever mention what a great sister I have? Just as a side note: here is a big shout out to Jackie as she just celebrated her 22nd birthday on Monday. I love you J.

I picked up my shoes for my wedding dress on Tuesday. There was a small scary moment where the lady could not locate the shoes and she asked if I could wait several more days. I laughed and told her I was moving in three so she looked again and I now have my shoes IN HAND! Seems she was looking in the wrong spot to find them. God has a great sense of humor. Speaking of humor, I got a call from Kay Jewelers on Tuesday as well. The first words I heard were: "We've run into a problem with your wedding ring." OK, a little background really fast. You see, I have been having bad dreams that all kinds of things go wrong before the wedding, and just the night before this call I had dreamed my ring came back as a scrambled piece of junk metal. So, the call from the Jewelers was not a very welcome thing to hear. It turns out they couldn't fit the whole saying I wanted engraved on my ring and they were asking permission to improvise a little. I gladly and with great relief gave my consent. I get to pick the rings up this afternoon. I am very excited to get them back...in once piece. My ring will say: "I'm my beloved's" and Nathan's says: "and my beloved is mine." 5.3.08

I did some shopping last night and found a cake topper. It's a large heart with a smaller heart in the middle. I think it's perfect. Now the only big thing left to do is move me home. Oh, and get married. Hehe

Official count-down is: 5 days till I get to pick my boy up at the airport, and only 9 days till I get to say "I do!"

All these thoughts in my head

2008-04-21T12:16:00.003-04:00

Four days until I'm done at my job, four days until I move home, eight days till I pick my Fiance up at the airport, and only twelve days till I get married. Ok, trying not to think about everything or get stressed out. Like my sister told me today, "nothing is that important to get so worked up about." I have been trying to agree by becoming as calm as possible as the wedding day approaches. You know my sister is right? No matter how hard I plan, something will probably go wrong, but I'm getting married to the man I love so NOTHING is worth getting stressed out over or making a big deal of if it's not perfect.

Of course there is some nervousness at the moment. I have to re-make the tops to my bridesmaid's dresses, but I'm not going to panic because Jackie has graciously offered to make them for me as she has some time off work. She has no idea how much of a blessing she is to me or how instrumental she is at keeping me calm. I love my sister.

I got the shoes back this last weekend from being dyed the second time. This time they match! Thank the Lord for the small things. I finally broke down and bought my shoes this week, I looked all over creation to find a white, dyable sandal with a 3.5" heal to wear with my dress. No one, and I mean no one had such a shoe except David's Bridal. Oh well, at least they will have my shoes done tomorrow for me to pick up.

I still have to sew on the beads on the top of my wedding dress. I have been putting it off now for several weeks since I'm not real sure how to do it and make it look nice. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Mom and I can get it done while I am at home next week.

Other than all the above, everything is going great. There are only minor things that need purchased, such as rose petals for the flower girl, and a couple more flowers for the sanctuary, a cake topper, and so on. Nothing too major. My mother has been working hard to get everything ready to decorate the church on Thursday so we don't have to worry about it the day before the wedding. She's the best.

Nathan is doing well and he has the house pretty much put together. I am so proud of him for working tirelessly to make sure everything possible is done for me to come home to. I love my hardworking Sailor!

Well that's all for now. The official count-down is: 8 days till I pick my Sailor up in Pittsburgh and12 days to walking down the aisle!

Do not panic

2008-04-18T15:35:00.002-04:00

The above saying is what I keep telling myself over and over again as the date to the wedding draws closer.

So far the stress of the situation has not really been too bad, I think I'm more excited than anything. Things are beginning to draw to a close at work, people are beginning to realize I really am leaving and so am I. It's so strange to sit back and watch new people being interviewed for my job. I have mixed feelings about leaving. On one hand, I'm excited because leaving means I'm getting married and starting on a new adventure, but on the other hand, it's really hard to leave the people I have worked so closely with for the past two years and who feel like my family away from home.

On the lighter side of things: Nathan has moved into our house. It's so cool, when I call the house phone I hear: "You have reached the Downer's, we are unable to come to the phone..." There is just something so exciting about hearing "the Downer's" since it means this is all really happening and I really am getting married. Words just can't describe the amount of excitement I feel!

The count-down is: 15 days to the wedding and 11 days till I see Nathan.

Can you tell I am excited??

Lot 294

2008-04-11T13:28:00.003-04:00

It's official, the dotted line has been signed, and Nathan will be picking up the keys and moving into our home this Saturday! I am so excited I could run around and shout, but I won't since I'm at work and must maintain dignity and professionalism. There are moments in life I really hate being a grown-up. Sheesh!

Anyway, for those of you who want, our new address is: well you'll just have to email me and ask for it seeing how I don't want my personal information spread all over cyberspace for just anyone to read. :0) (Hoo Hoo, I crack myself up) Seriously, if you would like to know, please email me at Girl4God84@gmail.com

On to other news, my bridesmaids dresses have arrived. Good news: they are pretty, bad news: I'm going to have to fix the tops as they don't fit. Oh, and the shoes I ordered and had dyed don't match the dresses so I'm scrambling to get that fixed as well. Needless to say I am a little edgy and yesterday I was walking around looking like my best friend had just died. Oh well, I still have not lost faith in the God I serve and I know if I don't freak out, He will provide.

Other than the dresses all is going well. I finally ventured down into the deep, dark, smelly basement and looked through all my "treasures" and discovered I did a very good job of thinning out the junk when I moved last time, so pretty much everything down there is needed. Now I have to decide what to ship to Nathan now (i.e. pots and pans, dishes, and so on) and what is just best to take out with us. The more that goes now the less we have to worry about later.

Anyway, that's all the news in the soon to be Downer household...(hehe I love the sound of that!). Keep checking back, I'm sure some more interesting things will transpire before long.

Oh how could I forget?? 22 days till the knot is tied!

We have a yard!

2008-04-07T09:59:00.003-04:00

The days are getting closer till the time I get to move to my new home! Nathan sent me this photo of the completed front of the house and the yard they put in. It finally looks ready to move in. I personally like the orange sign in the window that reads: SOLD

My Bridal Shower at home went very well. I can now go shopping for all kinds of goodies for the house once I get out to Bremerton. I kept Nate up the other night just going on and on about different ideas I had for decorating. So far he likes my ideas. The cool thing about the two of us is the fact that we pretty much have the same brain waves when it comes to turning our house into a home.

Ok, I have to put the offical count-down on here: 26 days to the wedding and 22 days till I see my man! I am so excited!

That's all for today. Thanks for checking in.

It's about that time

2008-04-02T12:36:00.005-04:00

I am so on the count-down to the wedding, 31 days to go! I am also on the count-down to my last day at work, only 23 left. IWU still has not hired anyone for my position, so right now I'm trying to keep up with the work and think about leaving a notebook full of helpful hints for the new person. I'm really glad I'm not a part of the interviewing process since I tend to be a little protective of my job and my boss. No one is going to be good enough in my mind to take my place. Anyway, enough of my whining about leaving my job. Honestly though, in all reality I am very excited to see where I'm going to end up in the future.

Life is definitely moving into the fast lane. I am starting to really feel the pressure of needing to get my wedding dress finished and bring all the boxes up out of the basement so I can start thinning down my junk. I also need to start begging God to watch over my bridesmaids dresses and get them here on time to help me avoid having a stress attack. As to the wedding, the only thing not done are the flowers for the candelabras. I'm not real sure what I'm going to do with them. I'm to the point where I don't care anymore, I just want to get married!

Nathan is doing well. He's getting everything in order so he can sign on the house, get the keys, and start moving stuff in. We had to buy a refrigerator which Sears has been most accommodating in holding it in their warehouse for us until we have the keys to the house. Nathan has also been shopping around for a new bed, couch, and garage door opener. I'm glad he's the one who gets to shop for all the boring stuff. I love him for that and he has never once complained. I have the most wonderful future husband any girl could ever ask for.

Well I'm off home again this weekend for a bridal shower with my family. Next weekend I'm off for Fostoria, OH for a shower with Nathan's family and then I'm back to Lima the next weekend to reconnect with friends. After that I have another shower here in Cincinnati being thrown by my sister and roommate, then I move home the next day. I will be living at home with my family until Nathan takes me away to our new house and life. He (Nathan) will be flying in on Tuesday, April 29th which I am so, so, so excited about. We are working on getting me a special pass so I can meet him at his gate instead of waiting out by the luggage claim.

As you can tell, things are definitely moving along. I can hardly believe the wedding is almost here. I can not wait.

A time and a season

2008-03-25T09:26:00.002-04:00

I went home to be with my family this weekend. Wow, have the kids grown! Chris about plowed me over when he ran up to give me a hug hello, the child is almost as tall as me! Where has my "little" brother gone? Not to poke fun, but you should hear his voice, it is trying so hard to come in deeper, but it's not quite there yet. Honestly it is hysterical is sit back and listen to him squeak and squawk, I don't know how many times I had to walk out of the room to double over in silent laugher. Welcome to being 14-years-old Chris.

Emily is turing into this little lady I barely even know anymore. She has such a wonderful talent for drawing that is quite amazing. Daniel is still Daniel, full of way too much energy and still my cuddle bug. Moving away is going to be a lot harder than I anticipated with everyone growing up so fast.

While I was home Mom decided it would be a great time to finish up all the shopping for the wedding. I believe we were out and about for 12 hours on Friday and 6 hours on Saturday. Just for the record I do not like shopping, but we did get everything we needed. All the flowers are made, the girls' flowers are done, the invitations have been mailed, and the table settings for the reception are made, the cake has been picked out and the order turned in, and most of the other decorating for the cake and gift table plus the guestbook table is ready to be made. All in all I feel really good about what we were able to accomplish. I finally feel like there is going to be a wedding. Yes I am on the count-down: 39 days to go!

From now until the wedding every singe weekend is full of travel. Wedding showers for the first three weekends, and then moving home the very last weekend in April, then my wedding. I am so excited I can hardly stand the waiting. I am so ready to get the show in the road.

Nathan is doing well. They moved his ship (USS Emory S. Land) into dry-dock yesterday. Nate was the only ET on the whole ship while it was being moved and he had to supervise everything electronic. He has not been allowed to leave the ship since 6:00 a.m. his time starting Monday morning so I have no idea when he will be off and allowed to call me. I'm hoping they let him off early today so he can get some sleep. We'll see...

Anyway, that's all the updates for now.

In the not too distant future

2008-03-17T09:55:00.003-04:00

Pretty much everything is done for the wedding except decorating. I am getting so excited! Only 6 weeks to go and I will be Mrs. Nathanael Downer.

God has been so good to Nathan and I as we have both been scrambling to move our wedding up. Both sets of parents have been great assets as finalized guest lists were a must so invitations could be put in the mail. My Mom and Dad have been absolutely wonderful as they are my primary runners. They found a reception hall which takes a huge load off of all our minds. The amazing thing is, May 3rd was the only day that was free for the whole entire year for this particular place. Isn't God good?

Now the only thing I have to really worry about are the bridesmaid's dresses. The order has been rushed, but they are telling me the dresses won't be here until the last week of April which only gives me three days to get them altered for the girls. I am pretty much freaking out they will not get here in time. I plan on calling to ask if the designer will ship them straight to me instead of to the distributor who then would mail them to me. I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying really, really hard they get here in time.

Nathan will be closing on our house the beginning of April and then he will begin to move things in. We have decided it would cost way to much to have all of my furniture shipped out to Bremerton, so we have sold what I own here and are buying new out there. The good thing to all of this is my house will be pretty much put together when I arrive as opposed to moving everything in during the first week. I'm totally good with less stress.

Yesterday in Church my pastor talked about praising God no matter what was going on in our lives. He really made me stop and think about how little I tend to praise when things are going astray, and how much I praise when things are going well. I just want to go on record right now to say everything for this wedding has worked out ONLY because God has shown just how mighty He is. Things have been rough at times and my trust has been streched to the limits, but God has never failed me. He is the only reason I am still sane and for the most part, stress free. When I took my hands off the wedding and handed it over to God, things went from bad to good, to better, to almost done. I serve an amazing, wonderful, and very loving Father and I can't thank Him enough for being my rock in a time of storm.

Whirlwind

2008-03-11T11:14:00.002-04:00

So I thought my wedding planning was going to calm down some since I had 16 weeks to go and most of the stuff done. Well I got a call several days ago that turned all my well thought out and planned out plans upside down.

What was this call you ask? Well the Navy has decided they need Nathan in San Diego, CA for 86 days which is not a problem, the problem lies in the fact he has to start there on June 26, 2008 and our wedding was scheduled for June 28, 2008. I'm thinking it's kinda hard to have a wedding without a groom. I'm sure it can be done but the desired affects just wouldn't be the same. So the wedding has been moved...up, to May 3, 2008. I now only have 7 weeks to totally change all the dates for the Church, reception hall, cake lady, minister, musicians, vocalists, and bridesmaids and groomsmen.

Thankfully everyone has been very accommodating and gracious as I try to move the wedding up. The Lord has been kind to me and I have everyone still in tack for the wedding. I have the same Church, the same minister, musician, vocalist, and wedding party. The only thing I'm having problems with is finding a different reception hall.

Well that is all for now in the life of one stressed out bride. Keep checking back for more updates.

Pictures of the House

2008-03-05T10:03:00.021-05:00

Here are some pictures of the house. I tried to put them on the way you would walk through it. I started on the outside and took you to the kitchen, living/dining room, hallway, half bath, upstairs, the master bedroom and bath, the 2nd full bathroom, the 2nd and 3rd bedrooms, and finally the laundry room. Enjoy and tell me what you think!

Homeowner's Association

2008-03-04T13:33:00.003-05:00

Nathanael and I received the news that we are official homeowners of a townhome in Bremerton WA, today. We are so excited! The above is a short video clip of the front of the house which is not yet completed. Below is a picture of the left side and what the house and yard will look like in a few short weeks.

The delivery date is set for March 31, 2008 when our new baby will weigh in at 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a laundry room, a living/dining room, and of course a kitchen (my domain).

My mind has been buzzing with decorating ideas, wall colors, pictures, curtains, what I'm going to place where, and what styles we would like to incorporate. This is all so new and exciting I don't know where to begin. :0)

More pictures will follow soon.

Stealing Cinderella

2008-03-04T10:03:00.005-05:00

I never thought of myself as a princess until I met Nate. This song is for him.

Nathan treats me like royalty and I want to make sure I never take him for granted. Nathan, I love you with my whole heart and I can not wait to start our married life together. Thank you for being a great provider and a caring, loving fiance. You will make a wonderful husband and I will be a wife who is proud to stand by your side through thick and thin. I love you Baby!

17 Weeks and counting...down

2008-02-27T13:41:00.004-05:00

Hello all! Life is moving along and so are the wedding plans. I wanted to, but was not able to go home last weekend to fine-tune details as I had hoped. After driving 50 miles toward home I hit some major icy roads and people were only doing 25mph on the highway, and even then not many could manage to stay out of the ditch. Seeing how home is a five hour drive with good roads and speeds at which I shall only know, I didn't think 25mph was really worth the trip. Well that and the distinct possibility I might end up in a serious accident and getting to the know the ditches on a level of familiarity I really wasn't interested in; so I turned around and came back to Cincinnati. The kids were very disappointed, but to tell you the truth I think my daddy was even worse off than the kids. Hopefully, Lord willing and weather permitting, I will be home with my family this weekend.

Good news is the wedding invitations are here! Now I can start the process of getting them ready to send out. Isn't it amazing how you think you have everyone possible or imaginable on your list only to later realize you left off like 20 close friends? Almost got myself in trouble with a few people. :(

I'm still trying to figure out how I would like to decorate the Church sanctuary. I want to go simple, but I don't want to look cheap. I'm plumb out of ideas...anyone have any thoughts? I have a central aisle with, I believe, 13 rows of pews on each side. I'm thinking maybe a single Gerber Daisy every few pews with tulling, but I'm just not sure.

Nathan made it to Washington after three days of solid driving. Once he reported to base and got squared away he hit the roads looking for a place to live. He has found a couple great options so now we are in the process of waiting for paperwork to come through. I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for us as we continue to prepare for starting our lives together. So far things have just been falling into place as only God can make them do.

Well that's all the updates for now.

Just When you Thought...

2008-02-18T21:12:00.011-05:00

Time flies when you are having fun, sometimes I wish it would slow down. Nathanael's visit to Cincinnati was wonderful, but definitely not long enough! Let me fill you in on some of the happenings of the week...most good, some, shall we say...not so good?

First off, getting to spend time with the man of my dreams is always a blast. While Nathan was here we visited some of our old hang out spots around the city, had engagement pictures taken, went on some really nice dates, and did some wedding planning. Now he is on his way to Washington state and we are on the countdown to the wedding! Only 19 weeks to go...wow that's not too far off, I think I need to really start getting some work done. HEHE!

Ok, now to the not so good stuff. Sunday morning dawned clear and bright, it was actally starting to warm up just enough to tease and make you think it would last for a whole ten minuets, when a knock at my door shattered my illusion of a hopefully perfect day. My neighbor was standing on the other side of the door when I opened it, and he asked a question I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer: "Does someone here own the red ford sitting outside?" he asked. Immediately my heart started pounding as I squeaked out: "I do...uh...why?" "Someone has busted out the window in your car, you might want to come take a look" he replied. Bare feet and all I went running down the porch steps and rounded the corner of the house to see my baby all bruised and broken, shedding shards of glass all over the road. "NO! Not my car," I cried... "not my baby! Why? Why my car?" I wailed.

Why my car? Well the brilliant person that I am didn't realize that the 8.0 gig, $250 Ipod Nano sitting in a docking station in my car would be a temptation to anyone in downtown Cincinnati...I mean come on, how many people have Ipods sitting in their cars? Well, I can now tell you who doesn't! After I realized "why my car" I slinked back up to the house and my roomie put a call in to the Cincinnati Police. Once the nice, chatty officer arrived at the scene of my stupidity, he about talked Belinda, Nathan, and me to death on the importance of not leaving anything valuable in your car...but he couldn't leave it as just that. No! He went on for almost 30 minutes saying the same thing over, and over, and over...you would think we had figured it by then, after all, we have already established how brilliant I am (not). :)

Can I just say that the ride to work Monday morning was cold (33 degrees out, not including the wind chill factor)? :)

So that is my exciting news of the week. Even when we think that everything is going wrong, God still works miracles. I was frantically trying to find prices for a new window, and everywhere I looked I was getting quoted a price of $350. I didn't know how I was going to pay for the window, and I was tempted to become very angry at whoever it was that caused so much damage to my car, but God kept telling me to unwind, calm down, and trust Him. In the end, a friend of a friend was able to come to work and pick up my car, replace the window, sweep out the glass that was everywhere, and bring it back to work all for a price much cheaper that I was quoted anywhere else. God is SO GOOD!

Birthday Wishes

2008-02-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

Two of the three most important men in my life celebrated birthdays this past week. Here is a shout out to my little brother Daniel who turned 11 and to my Dad who turned...well we won't go there for self preservation!

Daniel is not your typical kid who gets all thrilled about their birthday. I called home to talk to him and find out what he wanted and his answer was...nothing...not even camo! Wow, here is a child who knows how not to be picky or demanding, which kinda stopped me in my tracks. Do I demand things for myself? Do I know how to let things go and not hold onto the things of this world? Thanks Daniel, even though you are only 11 you have a lot you can teach even your older sister.

Dad? Well Dad is just an all around good guy whom I highly respect with my whole heart. There is nothing my father wouldn't do for anyone who cames across his path. He has a heart of gold and some day when I have kids I know I can point to my daddy and say "Follow in your grandfather's footsteps and you will do just fine. Look to him for counsel and wisdom, he will never steer you wrong." I love you Dad!

As to the rest of life: wedding planning to slowing down as most of the big stuff is already done. Nate will be here for a week long visit before he heads out to Bremerton, WA for 4.5 months before I will get to see him again...but when I do it will be to marry him and I am extremely excited!

Well that is all for now, I hope to have some pictures up soon.

Freedom of Thought

2008-01-24T13:16:00.001-05:00

My poor mother, she is such a saint to deal with two girls getting married within 7 months of each other. I do believe I am going to owe her a vacation somewhere far, far away from anything wedding!

Why poor Mom? Well let's just say that I am five hours away from where my wedding is going to take place which means my wonderful mother has to be my eyes, ears, hands, and gofer. She has been instrumental in finding a reception hall, and I am learning to trust her judgements on whether things look nice or not since I can't be there to see them before the deposits have to be made. Plus my Mom has put up with me changing my theme for the wedding I think three times now...hopefully last idea is going to stick since she actally likes it this time around.

Since I am going to be a June bride I first wanted to go with the colors brown and green, but when I finally got color swatches from the place that will be doing my dresses I decided I didn't really like it all the well, so I changed to brown and blue. Now brown and blue are very pretty together but mom kept telling me it was going to very dark for such a summer wedding, so I was laying in bed last night thinking about this dilemma when the idea of pink, organge, and yellow gerber daisies danced before my eyes. It was perfect! I now have pretty, bright, beautiful colors for my summer wedding. I am finally excited about decorating.

Like I have said before, things are continuing to fall into place. I got the Church for sure, I had to find a different pastor due to scheduling conflicts which were unavoidable for our first choice, I have a reception hall, a photographer, a musician, a cake lady and cake, caterers for the reception and the dinner menu planned, I have the programs almost done, I bought the music for the specials, I found invitations which can be bought as soon as I have a guest list (which is turning out to be BIG), and the shopping for decorations has begun. FUN!

Well I will leave you for now, stay tuned for more updates.

The Bride 2 B

2008-01-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

Wedding plans are running smoothly along so far. I have been so excited to see how everything is just falling into place. We set a date, June 28, 2008 and we will be getting married at Champion Church of the Nazarene. The exciting thing about this church is it's where my parents had their wedding almost 28 years ago. Getting this church was an absolute answer to prayer and a dream come true for me and my family.

As to the rest of the wedding planning, everything is going as well as icing being spread on cake (can you tell I've been looking for a cake?). Everytime I trun around another piece of the puzzle is falling into place. My dress is coming along, I FINALLY found dresses for my girls, I picked out the music for the ceremony, we have a pastor, I think I found what flowers I want, and I'm working on finding a reception hall.

God is good all the time. All the time God is good!

Engagement Pictures

2008-01-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

Here are a few pictures from the weekend Nate asked me to marry him. The proposal was totally unexpected so as you can see I don't look very put together. :)

Here is a picture of my engagement ring.

Things are moving along pretty fast now. I'm in a flurry of trying to find a Church, a reception hall, invitations, bridesmaids dresses, guest lists, and everything else there is to be done. The good thing is I have my dress already, a photographer, and my bridesmaids, dosen't seem like much but every little bit helps!

If you think about it, please keep me and Nathan in your prayers, there are a lot of changes going to happen in the next few weeks as he leaves for Seattle, WA where he needs to start looking for a house for us. I will be here doing all the wedding planning, packing to move, trying to find a job out in Washington, training someone to take over my position here in Cincinnati, and keep up with my classes. Needless to say I'm a little stressed right now, but things have been falling into place and I just sit back in amazement becuase I know God's hand is working to make everything go smoothly.

Announcement!

2008-01-06T13:22:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know Nathanael Downer has asked me to marry him! I am so happy and feel very blessed. God is so good! So far we have June of 2008 picked out for the month, just not sure about the exact date yet.

Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within in me bless His holy name!

My Cup Runs Over

2008-01-02T12:32:00.000-05:00

You know that verse in the Bible that says: The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away; blessed be the name of the Lord? Well I have found that sometimes the Lord returneth. Ok, so maybe that isn't a word, but I think you get my drift.

It is amazing to sit back and watch God work in ones life. I have been just astounded at how He knows just what we need when we need it, and I never cease to be amazed at His timing. God is never too late, or early...He is always right on time.

I can't thank God enough for showing me His plan, and for bringing back what I had thought I'd lost forever. I serve a mighty and awesome God!

The Wedding

2007-12-12T10:57:00.000-05:00

My sister and best friend is now a married woman. She was absolutely beautiful. I miss her like crazy, but I am so happy to have Brad in the family now.

These pictures were taken by Valerie Rice, a long time friend and budding photographer.

Prayer changes things

2007-12-03T14:50:00.000-05:00

When you pray, expect the unexpected. I did, and I have a smile on my face for the first time in a while. God is good!

Days, Weeks, Months...

2007-11-27T10:07:00.000-05:00

Minuets are turning into hours, hours are turning into days, days are turning into weeks. It all seems like such a blurr and so unreal. Reality is finally sinking in and I'm struggling to grasp it. I just keep trusting the hand of my maker that there is a reason for everything.

I don't know how many times I've taken my shattered life back to God asking Him to fix me. This time around though I asked Him to break me. I am continually amazed at how He does what we ask and then picks up the pieces and makes us into something even more beautiful than before. The master's hand and chisel can be quite painful at times as He cuts deep to take out the craked and broken slivers, but I welcome the pain, it means I'm growing and morphing into what He wants me to be. I have finally found what it means to "let go, and let God." I praise Him for His wisdom and His skill at not only putting shattered lives back together, but also breaking what needs to be broken so it can be fixed.

Holding Fast to the Hand of God

2007-11-20T09:07:00.000-05:00

Trust has never been a strong point for me...ever. I've been very leery of trusting people since I've been let down so many times. I'm sad to say this mistrust has tended to spill over on God as well. What I have been learning lately though is that unlike the human species God is trustworthy. When I take my hands off and let God take control I am so much happier and stress free. I'm so grateful that even when I mess up and let go of God he never lets go of me.

-------
Hold Fast

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

-------
Mercy Me
Song: Hold Fast

Jesus Will Still be There

2007-11-19T11:39:00.000-05:00

Things change, plans fail
You look for love on a grander scale
Storms rise, hopes fade
And you place your bets on another day
When the going gets tough
When the rides too rough
When youre just not sure enough

(chorus)
Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as the steady rain
Jesus will still be there
When no one else is true
He'll still be loving you
When it looks like youve lost it all
And you havent got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

Time flies, hearts turn
A little bit wiser from lessons learned
But sometimes, weakness wins
And you lose your foothold once again
When the going gets tough
When the rides too rough
When youre just not sure enough

(chorus)
Jesus will still be there
His love will never change
Sure as the steady rain
Jesus will still be there
When no one else is true
He'll still be loving you
When it looks like youve lost it all
And you havent got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

When it looks like youve lost it all
And you havent got a prayer
Jesus will still be there

--------
Point of Grace
Cd: 24

Let it rain

2007-11-13T13:09:00.000-05:00

It was dark and cold; the wind kicked up making the branches slash through the air like a thousand whips. Barefoot and frightened she ran on and on not daring to stop. Her hair was tussled and it kept getting caught in the branches but she didn’t notice. Roots kept grabbing at her feet tripping her up, but she would only hit the ground to jump up and run further and further into the woods. She was streaked with mud and blood from falling so much, but she barely noticed the gashes, she just wanted to get away. She didn’t know where she was going and she didn’t care if it meant she could hide from the torturing spirits that plagued her.

Lightning crashed above her which provided a jagged light to her otherwise dark path, but it only confused her and she fell once more into the mud. Rain ran down her face and dripped off her chin and nose as it left trails of white where the dirt had been. Sobs escaped her as she tried to pull herself up once more to continue running. Her cloths were now torn and ragged and so was her spirit. She desperately tried to rise from the mud, but her strength gave out and she collapsed back down to the earth and just cried.

Confusion, Anger, Rejection, and Depression all swarmed above her jabbing at her mind and spirit. They jeer and taunted, swooped and swarmed never letting up for a moment. She couldn’t think, her mind was as muddy as the ground she laid upon and her tears fell as fast as the rain around her. Slowly she curled herself into a ball and gave way to the rush of emotions that surrounded her. On and on it rained and she matched it with her tears and sobs.

Depression moved in and told her she was worthless and no one cared or loved her. Anger and Rejection teamed up as reinforcements with Confusion standing by to make matters worse when needed.

She didn’t understand, was it all really her fault? What could she have done differently? Thunder clapped overhead as these thoughts ran through her mind. She had taken everything square on the jaw along with several other slaps to the face. She had tried to learn from the callous blows of rejection to her heart, but it never seemed like she was good enough. She tried so hard, what else was expected? Perfection maybe? She wasn’t perfect even though she tried so hard to be; now she was depressed and confused over the friendships lost, intensely sad over the thought of what seemed like never being loved again, and rejected because she didn’t know what else she could have done. As the rain gained more strength she just turned her head into the mud and cried.*

*This is not aimed at anyone. It's just a story of a confused, hurt child seeking answers.

All good things must come to an end

2007-11-13T11:43:00.000-05:00

Just when things start looking up and your life seems to be falling into place, life has a way of jerking the rug out from under you and you are forced to watch your life shatter at your feet. I don't think I have the strength anymore to pick up the pieces. I will keep moving forward, I will not let this set me back. I will not let this keep me from the one thing I know God wants me to do. If I have to do it alone so be it. I just wish I understood the bigger picture because right now the masterpiece is shredded and I can't make heads or tails out of it.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11

Orders have arrived

2007-11-08T12:38:00.000-05:00

Nathanael received his orders yesterday. He'll be in Norfolk, VA until the end of February for "C" school and then he has to report to Bremerton, WA to the USS Emory S. Land (AS-39) for the next 5 years. The USS Emory is a sub-tender, so Nate's job will be to go out and meet the subs as they surface in order to re-stock their supplies. Since he is a radar technician he'll also fix any of their radar equipment that is malfunctioning. Even though he is assigned to a ship, 90% of the time he'll have shore duty and only be out to sea a month or two at a time instead of 6 to 9 months. I'm counting my blessings in that area.

Bremerton, WA is an absolutely beautiful town located right across the river from Seattle. After the sticker shock wore off I'm kinda really excited about moving out there when we get married. I've always wanted to move out west and live close to the mountains and like my mom said, I can't get much further west than that! Here is a picture of what I would use to travel from Bremerton over to Seattle if I end up going to college at the University of Washington to finish my second degree.

I truly see the hand of the Lord working in placing Nate out in WA, there is a great demand for social workers (which is what I want to do) and police officers (which is what Nate wants to do when he gets out of the Navy). I have a feeling I'll be very happy out there once we get married. So far, if my parents consent, I would like to get married as soon as I graduate in 2009 and move out there to be with him. We'll see how things work out. God hasn't failed me yet so I keep trusting Him to lead.

Indianapolis

2007-10-30T10:36:00.000-04:00

This weekend I made a flying visit to Indianapolis to see my boyfriend. It's not very often he gets time to himself, so when he does we try to do something together. This time we decided to meet in the middle and hang out. We had a wonderful day of just site-seeing around downtown, he took me to the USS Indianapolis Memorial, the old Canal Walk, and the five story mall. We had an absolute blast. We got lost downtown no thanks to our satellite navigation...it kept sending us in circles. The best part though was when we were trying to leave the parking garage at the mall and they wouldn't take credit card and neither of us had any cash. I was on the phone with my mom at the time and I don't think I've ever heard her laugh quiet so hard. I failed to see the humor in the situation. Naw, I had fun sitting in the car while Nate ran all over downtown trying to find an ATM. What's the fun in life if you can't make a few memories right?

This weekend Nate graduates from "A" school so I'm heading up to Chicago to watch the ceremony. Right now we're just waiting on pins and needles till he gets his official orders. We have no idea where he is going to be stationed, so we are both just holding our breath. The Lord has everything under control, I just wish He'd hurry up and tell me what's going on. Patience is not my virtue.

Well that's all for now. I moved successfully over the last week and I'm hopefully settled in one place for a very long time. I hate moving!

Fast Cars and Freedom

2007-10-10T17:01:00.000-04:00

Nate bought a car, but not just any car, no he had to go by a beautiful, white, BMW 325i. I'm insanely jealous. This weekend he's coming down for a flying visit to parents and girlfriend so I'm going to get my hands on that steering wheel and take that beauty out for a spin...I hope.

In the blink of an eye things change. Yesterday I got a call from my sister and I guess I'm moving down to Cincinnati next weekend. Today I went in and signed the paperwork to break contract with the apartment I'm in now. Anyone know a handy place to find moving boxes?

In the way of praise: my dad decided that while working on a roof is exciting, it just wasn't fun enough so he took a tumble. A hospital visit, a doctor's visit, another trip to the hospital, and then back to the doctor's office later, he is in a lime green cast with a split leg bone. He is not allowed to put any pressure on his foot at all for the next month and a half. I'm so glad he didn't seriously hurt himself. My only concern is how Mom and the kids is going to hold up with Dad home for 6 weeks.

Well that is all the exciting news for now. Hope everyone is doing great.

I've been tagged

2007-10-01T19:34:00.000-04:00

I hoped this day wouldn't come, but alas I've been tagged.
What seven things can I say about myself so people know who I am?

1. I am the oldest of five kids, everyone thinks my sister is older.

2. I have to put my left sock on first before the right, but I have to put the right shoe on before the left or my whole day is out of sync.

3. I was home schooled from kindergarten up through high school graduation.

4. I want to be a Social Worker.

5. I want to get my Masters Degree.

6. I lived in the same house for 21 years until I left for college.

7. There are only 5 states I haven't visited yet (Washington, California, Alaska, Hawaii, and Idaho).

Well that's seven things about me. I don't have anyone I'm going tag. You can thank me later. :)

Seasons of Life

2007-09-27T11:13:00.001-04:00

The seasons are changing. Fall is here and the leaves are finally turning color, the heat is beginning to reside, we have been blessed with rain after two to three months of drought, and I’m grinning from ear to ear as this is my favorite time of year. Ah, life is good.

Speaking of life, wow things have really begun to pick up pace. I’ve started school full swing, work has been exhausting, and my sister’s wedding plans are taking off. Everything is so fun to watch as it falls into place like puzzle pieces fit perfectly together. Jackie is doing a great job at making sure her and Brad’s wedding is not only beautiful but also perfect. This weekend, if the rain stops, I might be going to take lots of pictures around Cincinnati of Jackie and Brad which will be a lot of fun.

Nathanael has started night school, which means while I’m at work he’s sleeping, and when I’m home doing school, he’s in class. We have little time to talk, which is very different from what we’ve been used to these last several months. Nate has also moved to a different “ship” (buildings built like dorms) which is fine, except this new place has spider problems. Several sailors have been bitten so far and had to be taken to the hospital. I’ve heard Hedge Apples (otherwise known as an Osage orange) help keep spiders away; I just can’t seem to locate a place that sells them.

So far I really have no complaints about life. I like being busy since it seems to make time fly, which in my case is good. I like taking one day, one step at a time, but at times, I get so lonely that I try to make life speed up until I can be around the people I love. The good news is, once my sister gets married and moves out of her apartment, I get to move in with my best friend. Yea, I’ll get to be with another living, breathing, speaking human being which will be quite a nice change from no one except just dust and piles of laundry. J

I love taking classes. I’ve finally started my BA program at IWU and I’m absolutely thrilled. I have the best class mates, and so far, great teachers. I never though of myself as a business person, but I’m really enjoying learning how to manage a business and all that is required to do so. Once I finish with my BA at IWU in about 17 months, I’ll hopefully be going to UC to get a second degree in Social Work, then on to get my MA. I’m excited about how things are falling into place, God’s hand has been evident as He opened and closed the doors He wanted me to take. I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

Toby Keith - American Soldier

2007-09-11T09:41:00.001-04:00

Trust

2007-09-10T13:49:00.000-04:00

When you learn to trust God, He works things out.

Situations pop up all time, and if you're not leaning on God, they can really catch you off guard. I'm so glad I have a Heavenly Father who is all knowing and who controls everything that happens with a touch of his hand. The phrase, "Peace, be still" has become very real to me over the past couple days.

I'm the kind of person who really struggles with surrendering control of my life to anyone else besides me, and at times, God has been included in the list of "anyone." I have recently learned I can't do everything on my own. I can't carry my burdens, job, school, life, and relationships alone. It is so comforting to know when I release everything in my life to God He will take care of me. I get tempted so many times to take my life back into my hands especially when things start spiraling out of control. Not being the one in control causes me to want to panic, run, and hide instead of trust.

I know God has a plan, but sometimes there are voices in my head causing me to doubt. "What if He (God) doesn't come through for you, what will you do then? What if your way had been better? Remember, if you can't do it right, don't do it at all, well, it's not working out like you thought it would now is it? Shouldn't you at least try to take back some control of your life instead of trusting someone or something you've never seen to run it for you?" These fears just keep buzzing around my head like a pesky swarm of mosquitoes.

The other voice I hear speaking is still and small. It keeps saying: "God is in control." This quiet voice calms my heart and keeps me from panicking, running away, and hiding. It keeps reassuring me everything will be OK if I can just learn to trust.

This week I had the opportunity to trust and I failed. I panicked instead.

He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.

It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,

The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.

How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.

There really ought to be a sign upon the heart,

Don't judge her yet, there's an unfinished part.

But I'll be perfect just according to His plan

Fashioned by the Master's loving hands.

In the mirror of His Word reflections that I see

Make me wonder why He never gave up on me.

He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray

Remember He's the Potter, I'm the clay.

He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.

Words by: Joel Hemphill

Ponderings

2007-08-06T17:07:00.001-04:00

Wow I can hardly believe it is August already. Where has the time gone?

Things have been crazy lately with work, school, family, and friends. Right now I’m looking into moving once again within the next 5 months. Hopefully this move will be the last until I finish school and maybe…just maybe get married soon afterwards. 18 months to go and I’ll be walking down an aisle in a cap and gown to be awarded a bachelors degree in Business Administration. I am getting very excited and a little burned out all at the same time. There never seems to be enough time in the day to get everything done.

Military life is slowly starting to sink in bit by bit for me. The times between visits are beginning to grow in length and with both of us in school the juggling act of time spent communicating has started to become a challenge. It seems every time Nathanael can talk I’m busy with work or school, and when I can talk he needs to be in bed. Grr! I know to some this may seem trivial; to others (like me) it seems like a mountain. I’m not complaining in the least, but at times it feels like I’m isolated from anyone who understands. I have several heroes in my life, but I just added some to my top 10 list, namely the military wives I know…like Linda, Tricia, and Joy.

Sometimes I struggle with being ‘just a girlfriend’ to a guy in the Navy. Most people I’ve come in contact with seem to think that ‘girlfriends’ don’t have the same feelings or struggles that a fiancé or wife might have. To a point I agree, but on the other hand I have feelings that run deep, and I’m not some girl who “has a thing for soldiers.” Instead I’ve been there from the beginning, I’ve supported his decision when it seemed like no one else would, I’ve stood by him through the good, the bad, the rough, and the joy. I’ve held him up when he didn’t feel like he could go on, I’ve encouraged and pushed him to be better, I’ve listened when he’s anxious about his classes and how the pressure is mounting, I’ve cried with him when he’s been so tired he can’t remember his own name, I’ve been patient when he is mad at the chain of command for screwing up paperwork, and I’ve tried to be understanding when he’s frustrated at the world and just wants to come home. Most importantly I’ve told him over and over how proud I am of him, and that keeps him going. But to the people who see me, I’m just a girlfriend who doesn’t know what she’s getting into and who will eventually quit when it gets tough.

No, I haven’t served by his side through a deployment yet, but I will eventually, and when that day comes, I’ll be waiting to greet him when he gets back home. I am prepared for the possibility that I won’t see him for months or even a year, that doesn’t scare me away, but there are people just see me as ‘the girlfriend’, and thus someone who hasn’t thought ahead. Why? Is it just because I don’t have a ring around my finger and the name fiancé or wife tagged on? I understand the level of intimacy runs deeper in a marriage, but does the level of commitment to making a relationship work change just because you have the same last name and address? For me the answer is no. I am committed to here and now, and making my relationship with the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with work, even if I am just his girlfriend at the moment.

Should I even care what people think? I have so many questions, no answers, and nowhere to turn.

Chicago Trip

2007-07-06T16:20:00.000-04:00

The trip to Chicago was absolutely awesome this past weekend. I can't say how much fun I had. My sister, Brad, and Belinda tagged along so the five of us made a great team trampsing around downtown Chicago.

We had lots of fun trying to run down a taxi big enough for all of us at 11:00 p.m., catching trains back to Great Lakes and finding out there is none until 12:35 a.m., sleeping on tables and benches waiting for the train to arrive and then trying to sleep between drunk, roudy people being thrown off the train every few miles (8 people in all). Even better than all that was watching fireworks from a boat out on Lake Michigan while facing Chicago, it was breathtaking (or maybe that's just because I was getting nausious...) but what's life without adventure?

In all honesty I had a wonderful time. I can't wait to go back and explore even more of Chicago. It really is a very interesting place full of history and beautiful spots.

Here are some pictures of our time at the beach. You can't see it, but we all got a nice dose of sunburn. :)

We went to a state park and took pictures by the lake.

Can you tell we are hot and in very strange moods?

Making sure the pictures turned out just right.

Awww what a beautiful couple.

Now I like this picture.

What can I say?

Well that's all for now.

I Just Came Back From A War

2007-06-22T21:34:00.001-04:00

This song says it all for those who are out there fighting for us.

Pictures

2007-06-21T16:20:00.000-04:00

A hug hello after 2 months of not being able to see each other or talk.

Excited to see each other

Petty Officer Simon, Nathanael and Me

At the Park

The Downer Family

I still don't have many pictures from Chicago, so I thought I'd just share some of my fvorites.

They Didn't Bend, They Didn't Budge

2007-06-06T00:55:00.000-04:00

When do you bend and when do you break? Is the breaking even worth the not bending?

I was born stubborn, in fact I was 3 weeks late and I had to be literally pushed out of my mother by a nurse. I didn't come willingly and I howled the whole time, and there are times when I think I've never stopped.

Being stubborn can have it's benefits if used properly, but mostly it's just a royal pain in the seat. There is a time for standing up for yourself and delivering on your word, but when is the proper time to back down over what might seem "trivial" to others but is a big deal to you? I need to find the balance.

I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. I do whatever I'm doing with everything that's in me and I rarely ever back down on something unless I am dead wrong, and even then it takes a lot of determination to pry my iron fisted grasp off something.

When will I learn to quit allowing my stubborn nature to get the better of me?

Chicago

2007-05-21T11:37:00.000-04:00

So far this is the only picture I have of the trip, I'm awaiting the rest.

The Navy Graduation was very nice. Friday we went to a really beautiful park and walked trails and took pictures, Saturday we went into Chicago and went to the top of Sears Tower, which in a word was spectacular. I absolutely loved looking at all the buildings in the city, I didn't really like the elevator ride seeing how I'm petrified of tight spaces and heights, but the view was worth it.

We didn't get to see as much of Chicago as we would have liked since this little girl managed to get lost while trying to find an Ihop to eat breakfast, but I'm sure this won't be my the only trip up there in the next few months.

Sunday we woke up to find the weather had completely changed from absolutely beautiful to cold and cloudy which cut out the idea of going to the park for a picnic lunch or going into Chicago for more siteseeing. I dropped Nathanael off at the base one last time and then headed for home and got in around 2:00 this morning.

I had a good time and I'm definately looking forward to going back up soon.

Pass in Review

2007-05-16T11:45:00.000-04:00

Nathanael is now a full fledged Navy Sailor. He passed Battle Stations (their final test) and his family and I are heading up to Great Lakes, IL to see him graduate this weekend.

Nervous excitement is hitting right now. We are all so excited to see him but I have to keep reminding myself that military life has just begun since boot camp is not an end, but a beginning.

So far the only requests from our Sailor have been for a little R & R and food that isn't cooked in a Navy kitchen. His mother and I are working hard to make sure that happens and since we booked a suite it should work out fairly well.

Pictures pending until our return.

Type A?

2007-05-16T11:35:00.000-04:00

You Have A Type A Personality

You are hyper, energetic, and always on the move
You tend to succeed at everything you attempt
And if you don't succeed at first, you quickly climb your way to the top!

You could be called a workaholic, but you also make time for fun
As long as it's high energy and competitive, you're interested
You have the perfect personality for business and athletic success

I had a good laugh over this little test.

The "New" Place

2007-05-09T12:19:00.000-04:00

I'm absolutely thrilled, I'm finally in my new apartment!

God is so good, He worked everything out and for the most part moving went smoothly. My family came to help and of all people my dad whined about being sent to "Becky's Boot Camp." Now I know where I got my flare for drama, my over active imagination and my sense of humor. Thanks Dad.

The new apartment is small (and so much easier to keep clean) but it has come together nicely. This time around I did not paint any walls (and definitely not red), instead I've gone for a relaxing atmosphere with very light colors, and now I have a home I love. I've made this apartment very "Beckish" and I'm so glad the move is over.

School has been fun and challenging, but tonight is the last of accounting for a while and I'm beside myself with joy. Now it's on to Art and Music of the Western World.

On another random note, Nathanael graduates from boot camp next week and I can not wait to be in Great Lakes with his family to watch him. The end of the beginning is finally at hand. "A" School is next on the list and right now it looks like that could go in any direction. We do know he'll be stationed in Chicago for the next 18 months or so, and then it's up for grabs as to where next. I prefer though to take it one step at a time and not bite off more of the future than I can handle.

Actually, all of this has been a great learning experience for me. I'm now learning how to take life one day at a time instead of having it all planned out five years in advance. The best lesson of all: God knows what He's doing without my help. Fascinating.

God is good and I'm so glad He has the patience to keep teaching me the lessons I need to learn.

And Yet Change Still Happens

2007-05-08T19:56:00.000-04:00

Flexibility, that's what I've been learning over the last 2 months. One day everything is fine, you're plans are actually working out for once, everything is lining up and then it all crashes around your feet. Change happens so fast most times you don't even know what hit you.

I experienced this today with one phone call. That one call could change everything I had so carefully planned out. With one call I learned the truth of what it really means to be in a military relationship. You have to be prepared at any time to hear about anything. This is going to take some time to get used to.

Flexibility, my new best friend.

The Winds of Change

2007-04-24T14:35:00.001-04:00

The winds of change were swirling and blowing in all different directions. At times the wind was warm and inviting, at others it was harsh and cold. Times were changing as well; what used to be clam and peaceful was now hectic and stressful.

Life was not taking the path she had been so sure it would when she was a child still full of dreams and adventures. With age imagination had to be replaced with reality, dreams and visions were traded in for long-term goals with price tags attached. A college education had to be put on the backburner as bills and a full-time job became more of a pressing priority. Responsibility had been such a thing to look forward to at 10 years old, but at 23, it was a scary monster just waiting for a slip up on her part.

Her fanciful childhood dream had been to be a young bride at the age of 18 and mother by 20. Reality had her still single at 23 and pursuing a career with marriage at the back of her mind. Children, well children were at the farthest part of the back of her mind, and if they did pop up every now and then, they just had to be treated as a nuisance and squashed as quickly as possible. She figured she was doing the world a favor anyway by not having kids; she just wasn’t really mother material.

The perfect relationship and wedding her mind had carefully planned since birth was quickly being forgotten in the fog of a fast paced lifestyle. Her ideal cowboy with jeans, Stetson, and boots who lived at home full-time to run a ranch had turned out to be a Sailor in the U.S. Navy with dress whites, shoes, and a funky hat who would be gone most of the time at sea. Her elegant wedding that would stun her family was quickly turning into an elopement and a Justice of the Peace, or if her family was lucky enough, a private wedding, the more private the better.

The little girl had dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom who home-schooled her eight children. Now her mini van was being traded in for a sports car, her sweats and soccer shoes for suits and heels, her diaper bag was now a briefcase and her ponytail had turned into a French twist. School had been an obstacle to jump through and have finished at 18, now she was facing the daunting task of getting her Masters in Business Administration and Social Work.

The woman didn’t mind this at all, the child would have stopped growing and wishing for the adult life. Actually the woman was very happy with where life had decided to take her; she rather enjoyed being a professional with a career. Life doesn’t always turn out the way our child minds would have preferred, but reality sinks in slowly so as not to shock the developing mindset.

The winds of change were swirling and blowing in all different directions. Times were changing as well and life was moving on without even stopping to blink.

Nathanael and I

2007-04-18T15:23:00.000-04:00

News Flash

2007-04-16T13:45:00.000-04:00

After 4 weeks and 1 day, I got a phone call! That call made the 4 weeks of silence just fade into the background and seem like he only left yesterday. Only 4 weeks to go until graduation, so now maybe I will survive all of the silence…maybe. So far Nathanael is still alive, but he’s been terribly sick over the last 4 weeks with a high fever and chest congestion, but he’s making it and as of right now he’ll still graduate with his division which is a big load off his mind.

This past weekend was a whirlwind of activity. One of my best friends and former roommate got married this weekend and I was in her wedding. Of course it had to snow, but other than that it was a very nice ceremony and day. Meghan was an absolutely beautiful and radiant bride and Doug was just happy to finally be able to call her his wife.

As to moving, I STILL haven’t been able to get the keys to my apartment. So far it doesn’t look like I’ll get to move in until the first week of May since they keep pushing the date back. I had all the furniture moved out of my place about 2 weeks ago so now the only thing I have left in my apartment is my bed, clothes, eating utensils, one lonely camp chair and my TV. That’s it. I have my new couch and kitchen table sitting in warehouses waiting to be picked up, but I’m not moving them into the place I’m at now only to turn around and move them again in a week or two, so I just sit in my camp chair and live the high life. It’s great fun really, and easier to keep clean too.

Work and Life

2007-03-22T11:25:00.000-04:00

Work has been busy and today I was given the daunting task of taking over all the scheduling for my boss. I'm excited to be given so much responsibility, but it kinda freaks me out as well. What if I mess up or make a student totally irritated at me? I don't handle cranky people very well, I always feel like it's my fault they're in a bad mood, even if I know it's not my problem and I didn't cause it. Oh well, I guess it's one of the risks you take when you accept more responsibility.

So right now life is trying to settle into a normal pace. I'm starting my classes here in a few weeks so I'll be pleasantly busy once they start, until then I just keep bugging my friends to do things with me. Poor, unfortunate souls, they don't know what's hit them.

I heard from Nathanael last night and he finally made it to Great Lakes around 0115 hours this morning, that's only after he'd been sitting at O'Hare for the last 4 hours, and before that on the runway in Columbus for 3 hours, and still before that sitting in the Columbus airport for yet another 5 hours...it was not a good day for flights and military plans lining up. I did get about a 15 minuet phone call from him while he was at O'Hare waiting for the rest of the 102 people to show up. He was still pretty up-beat about being there (not that he had much of a choice), but he was getting pretty frustrated with the flight scheduling. I can't say I blame him since he'd been going at it since Monday afternoon. I told him I could have picked him and his buddy up in Columbus and had them in Chicago faster than the flight crew, but I guess that's what happens when you have to go the military route. Poor guy.

I still haven't heard anything about my new apartment, so I guess I won't be moving for over another month which stinks seeing how my house is two colors and nowhere near being done when it comes to painting. I think I've decided I'm going to let them take care of it once I move out.

Well, who knows where this little journey is going to go. I'll try to keep posting more than I have been since some people (I won't name names Tara) seem to think that posting once a month isn't enough. I would hate to be added to that pet-peeve list of bloggers who never post. ;-)

Boot Camp Here He Comes

2007-03-19T10:55:00.000-04:00

The time has arrived. My life will officially change forever starting tonight. I must say goodbye to Nathanael since the military lifestyle will begin at 0500 Wednesday morning when he boards a bus for Great Lakes Training Camp in Chicago, IL, to run, sweat, and do lots and lots of push-ups and sit-ups.

For the next two weeks there will be silence, he can not call me and I can have no communication with him whatsoever. The third week we will be allowed to write letters back and forth but that's all so writer's cramp, here I come! Then after six more weeks he'll hopefully be able to get me a ticket so I can go with his family to see him graduate in May.

Over the next few months I'm going to try to keep myself busy as we both learn how to settle into the routine of keeping a relationship going while not being able to see each other for extended periods of time. Thankfully I have friends who are going to keep me busy and lend their shoulders to cry on when I need it.

It's amazing how aware you become of what's going on around you when someone you love could be putting themselves in harms way to keep you and your country free. My heart goes out to the men and women who are serving our country and the faces of those I personally know keep popping up in my mind and prayers as well as their families. I also have a great respect for the men and women who stand behind their spouses and give their support on the home front.

I just want to give a great big Thank You to all those who serve our country and to their families who support them. Thank you for defending our rights and the freedoms that we so often take for granted.

Red and White

2007-03-14T09:28:00.000-04:00

You should see my living room.

Just for the record, never paint a wall red.

When I moved into my apartment I repainted the whole thing since it had flat, white paint on the walls throughout the entire place. I didn't remember committing myself to an asylum, I wasn't wearing a white straight jacket and there was absolutely no padding on the walls, so I gave it some color. In fact, I decided to have a RED accent wall...what was I thinking??

Well now that I'm moving I have to repaint the apartment back to the original flat white. The thing I'm learning though is red walls and white paint don't mix well, or should I say, don't cover well. Oh, and did I mention that the ceiling and all the baseboard is also white? But wait there's more, instead of painting them to match the walls, no we have to make them an off-white color so when the stupid renter wants to paint it back and bumps the ceiling or baseboard they don't match! Needless to say I'm not impressed.

Oh well, it's either laugh or cry and seeing how I can never manage to keep the paint on the wall instead of my person, I have to laugh. When I was done with the first coat of paint on my what-used-to-be red wall, I think I had more paint in my hair, on my face, all over my hands, the bottoms of my feet and just plain all over then anywhere else, wall included. I'm still trying to get the paint off my toenails.

I love/despise painting. ;'-(

Update on Life

2007-03-07T09:37:00.000-05:00

Here’s an update. Finally!

So things have been really crazy around here lately. Just to name a few I have a guy in my life, I bought a car, I’m in the process of moving, I’ve started classes again and I’m working quite a lot.

Before I mentioned I didn’t like change, well I think I want to take that back. The change that has come into my life over the last 2 months has been incredible and I’m very happy about it.

First off, Nathanael has come into my life. He’s a wonderful guy who treats me like a queen. He’s in the Navy and will be leaving for boot camp on March 21st, 2007.

Due to unforeseen circumstances I had to buy a car about a week ago. My poor sister totaled hers so she now has my old one and I went out and bought a 2006 Ford Fusion. I absolutely love the car!

As to moving, things have kinda been crazy. My roommate moved out in February so she could start a new job and get married in April. I now have the wonderful opportunity to go shopping for all new furniture since she provided it when we moved in together. Sigh, I really do hate spending money on practical things like couches, lamps, microwaves, toasters and dishes. I would much rather buy a spoiler for my car…
I think I finally found a new apartment though I’ve yet to see where I’ll be living. I’m sure it will be nice…I hope. Do you know how hard it is to shop for furniture when you don’t know what size your living room is?

I have been accepted into the BSBA (Bachelors of Science in Business Administration) Program at Indiana Wesleyan University. I should be starting classes in May and going full force until I graduate anywhere from 18 to 24 months down the road. Tonight is my last class for Photography and then two months to prepare for my next class. I’m not real sure what I’m going to do with myself since I’m so used to having homework every night. I think I need to find a hobby, or another job.

So anyway, that’s what’s been going on!

Personality Test

2007-02-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what we will do when we're bored. I found this test online and just for kicks and giggles I took it. Funny thing is it's pretty accurate. Here's what it said about me:

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

Interesting...

A Story

2006-12-28T23:57:00.001-05:00

The air was brisk and refreshing, the night was still with only the sound of water trickling and skipping over rocks in the valley. Fog started crawling in from the distance adding a sense of calm and mystery. The boulders on the side of the hill were damp catching the last rays of the sun which made the moss growing on them sparkle.

A person could get lost in the beauty and enchantment of the valley when dusk was just turning into evening. The forest animals which depended on the darkness for their survival were just starting to cautiously come forth from their hiding places to feed. Winter was fast approaching and soon all this beauty would be transformed into a place of wonder when covered with inches of beautiful white snow.

The people of this valley and surrounding mountainsides loved this time of year, yet they knew the hardships of the winter season were just looming ahead. This year had not been a good year despite all the beauty seen at the moment. Many families would be lucky to survive the winter with enough food, and many would perish from sickness and malnutrition before the warm winds of spring would come to renew their hope.

Tonight she stood out on the porch which wrapped all the way around the house. The wind was chilly but she did not notice. The breeze pulled at the hem of her flowing dress and teased the long stands of hair hanging down her back. She just stood there staring out into the gathering fog and he stood in the doorway watching her. Involuntarily she shivered and hugged herself to keep as much warmth close to her body as possible.

From the doorway he saw and reached in around the door and found the shawl she always kept close by. He picked it up and silently walked up behind her and placed the shawl around her shoulders while wrapping his arms around her. He pulled her close to him and just held her for the next hour. At times his hand would brush a stray hair from her face or with slow motion he would trace his fingers around her face and down her neck. As the moon grew in size sending a white light across the valley he looked down and kissed her face.

It hadn’t always been this way between them. In fact, at the very beginning they didn’t even know each other, they had been complete strangers to one another until they met at the marriage alter. The marriage had been brought about by necessity instead of love. He had needed a wife to help care for the people of the mountain and she had needed a home and protection only a man could provide.

As the weeks passed these two complete strangers had learned to live together as friends and then months had taught them to learn how to appreciate the other. Finally after years they had learned to live, work, laugh, cry, pray, minister and love together. They had never thought such a bond could ever exist, but tonight they knew and they cherished the moment.

Life had been hard in the mountains, but their love had taught them how to weather even the worst of storms. They had learned what the vows they had repeated to one another to love and cherish in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do they part had really meant. Now they really loved each other with all the passion and tenderness they could muster.

Winter was closing in on the mountain and dark days were ahead, they could feel it. This night was not like the many nights before it, instead the moon was out and the night animals were hurrying to quickly gather the last of the food. The fog had gathered so thickly they couldn’t see far from the porch, but they still kept standing there in each others embrace. Soon the cold air would force them to go inside, but they lingered as long as possible. Just as the first flakes of winter started falling they headed back into the warmth of their home with love spilling over for one another and the land in which they lived.

2006-12-27T10:44:00.000-05:00

Restless

2006-12-15T16:23:00.001-05:00

The air was filled with a strange sense of tension and urgency. The night sky was gray and growing darker as the moments slipped by. The wind was picking up and it grew colder by the second. Clouds were gathering in the distance and the faint rumbles of thunder could be heard.

The beach was cold and deserted by the visiting throngs. The waves were rising and swelling gathering foam as they broke across the rocks. Tonight was not the night to be walking alone but she didn’t care. On and on she walked never looking back, and never really looking forward. Instead she just stared straight ahead without really seeing her surroundings.

The wind started gusting and the waves had now started roaring. Streaks of lightning were still far out at sea, but they were starting to move closer. The cold drops of rain finally drew the girl’s attention back to reality and she started as if she were scared of something. Frantically she looked around for shelter and she finally noticed a small cove in the rocks ahead and she took off at a run.

She reached the cove just as torrents of rain came pelting down. Thankfully she sank down on the sand and tried to huddle into a ball to keep what warmth she had close to herself. Shivering she pulled herself towards the back of the cove and silently prayed she wouldn’t have to be out in the rain all night.

Restlessness had driven her to take this walk with no known destination. When life’s questions threw themselves at her she liked to walk to clear her mind and think without interruption. Tonight had been no different. Life had been throwing many curves at her recently and she just needed to get away, anywhere really, she didn’t care where as long as she could think and not be noticed, so she had struck out for the beach. Now she was scared and alone and no one knew.

Alone. She was used to being alone, but not until recently had she really cared. For a long time she had prided herself on the fact she didn’t need anyone. After all she was independent and self-sufficient with a life plan and dreams. She needed no one, or so she had thought. Now she wasn’t quite so sure, but who knew?

Finally the rain stopped and the sun peeked out from the clouds and with its rays of light it went down with the most spectacular sunset the girl had ever seen. Somehow that sunset was a message to her soul that everything would work out, she was just going to have to trust. As she walked back the way she came her heart was lighter and there was a slight skip in her steps.

Why?

2006-11-20T15:35:00.000-05:00

Why? The most asked question with the least amount of answers.

Why? I wish I knew.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

2006-11-09T10:39:00.001-05:00

Mirror, mirror on the wall…must you always show it all?

You know, just when you think you have “arrived” God has a way of putting a mirror in front on you and forcing you to take a good hard look at what/who you really are.

God has been leading me down the path of take-a-good-hard-look-at-who-you-are-sweetheart these last couple of weeks. I have to admit, with mirrors on every side of me, above me and below me, I’m seeing some pretty nasty sides of myself which are commonly known as “blind spots.”

Wow, so I’m learning to measure myself according to God and his standards instead of looking at the lives of other people and patting myself on the back for not being like them. Does this sound oddly like a story in the Bible about a priest and a tax collector? I think so. Ouch!

So I want to get married someday (yes there is relevance to the topic in this random statement). Unfortunately God has stripped my shoes off and handed me the shoes of the one I hope to meet and fall in love with (I don’t think I’ve met him yet so those aren’t wedding bells you hear). He (God) has asked me to take a step back and really look at myself through the eyes of the one who (after much thought, seclusion, fasting, praying, fear and trembling, nightmares, begging and pleading of why?) might marry me. I did so, and now I understand all the above mentioned emotions.

But you know, as much as it really hurts to stop and take a look at myself, I would much rather receive the crushing blows to the pedestal I’ve managed to put myself on and have it come crumbling to the ground now instead of once I’m married. I’m not perfect. I’M not perfect. I’m NOT perfect. I’m not PERFECT. Wow that felt good. I think this time I’m going to leave the whole pedestal crushed and walk away, never to return. Instead I’m going to take a good look at who I am and start working on the blind spots in my life. This way, when the right person for me does comes along, I’ll be the right person for him.

God help me to be who you want me to be, wholly, undividedly devoted to you. Help me to become a woman after your own heart, searching for and implementing your goals, your dreams, and your standards into my heart and life. Thank you for showing me who I really am and for giving me the courage to face myself and change. I can only do this with your help, grace and mercy. Thank you Father for who you are and for always being the measuring rod that never varies. You are my rock and fortress, my deliverer in times of trouble, my Savior and you love me.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Who is the fairest of them all?
When next I look into this mirror,
I will not tremble, I will not fear.
For it won't be my face I’ll see,
Instead His love and grace there’ll be.

I Call

2006-11-03T00:14:00.000-05:00

I search, I grasp
For something to clasp.

I cry, I pray
Does it have to be this way?

I call, I listen
My tears still glisten.

I long, I yearn
But no one turns.

I beg, I plead
My heart still bleeds.

I run, I fall
Still no one hears my call.

I live, I die
And no one says goodbye.

Matters of the Heart Continued

2006-10-26T12:30:00.000-04:00

We’re just friends. We will probably always be just friends. I’m okay with that, or I should say, I will be okay with that. No really I am okay, I promise.

I think I’m going back to my theory of being blind to men until God plants one in my path and I literally run into him. Sounds painful I know, but you never know whose arms you just might fall into when you’re not thinking about it.

Mid-Life Crisis?

2006-10-19T11:01:00.000-04:00

I'm taking some counseling classes at GBS and right now I’m reading a book which follows every aspect of life’s transitions. I just finished the young adulthood and mid-life crisis chapters. Talk about a double whammy.

First, I finally realized that questioning my life right now is normal. I’m 22 and it seems like I’m waiting for my life to start and I tend to fear I’ll be stuck in a rut for the rest of my natural life. Don’t panic, I just found out I’m normal. I will be okay. I'll get used to the idea (of being normal), I think.

Secondly I just read the next chapter and found out when I'm in my mid to late thirties and all the way into my fifties I get to go through this all again… Why, why, why?

Yes I know a mid-life crisis hits everyone, but right now the year 2022 (when I will be 38) is still a fog in my mind let alone 2034 when I'm 50. Ok, you got me, the year 2007 and the age of 23 is freaking me out right now too (to those of you who are laughing at my “youngness" any words of advice would be great).

So it’s been quite the day, I not only discovered that one: I am indeed normal (I’ll hopefully stop hyperventilating here soon), two: it's okay to be asking questions about life, but three: I also found out I get to do this all over again in about 16 years (yes, I’m still coaching myself on how to breathe).

Maybe I’ll just take life one phase at a time…might be better for the whole sanity thing. Right now my full concentration is on young adulthood and getting the ball rolling, even if it seems like I’m rolling it through the sticky mud.

Ok, I'm breathing now in a somewhat stable condition. Check back in about 16 years and I’ll let you know how the second phase of life is working out for me. Until then, I’m sure I’ll still be here talking about phase one: young adulthood.

In The Arms of the Angel

2006-10-11T10:07:00.000-04:00

Tough times hit everyone. This time I guess it's my turn. It's been a rough week to say the least and I've been doubting myself at almost every turn. I just keep praying that one day I'll be able to look back and learn a valuable lesson from all of this mess I find myself in.

I heard a song on the radio this morning that really said how I'm feeling right now so I went and found the words. Here they are:

In the Arms of the Angel ~ Sarah Mclachlan

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
Or a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins let me be empty
And weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back and the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie that you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of an angel fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
In the arms of the angel

Matters of the Heart

2006-10-10T11:15:00.000-04:00

Matters of the heart can be tricky.

A friendship was forged over four years ago but very little contact was held over those years. Now all of a sudden the friendship is renewed and you find your heart is beating faster when you talk and you’re excitedly, yet nervously, anticipating seeing this friend in less than a week. You’ve secretly liked this person from the moment you met him, but you didn’t dare think anything else about it. He’s coming to visit his family and you’ve agreed to meet and hang out. You don’t want to get your hopes up, but you’re finding deep down you could very easily and willingly put your heart on the line.

What do you do?

Why?

2006-10-02T15:59:00.001-04:00

It was dark and cold; the wind kicked up making the branches slash through the air like a thousand whips. Barefoot and frightened she ran on and on not daring to stop. Her hair was tussled and it kept getting caught in the branches but she didn’t notice. Roots kept grabbing at her feet tripping her up, but she would only hit the ground to jump up and run farther and farther into the woods. She was streaked with mud and blood from falling so much, but she barely noticed the gashes, she just wanted to get away. She didn’t know where she was going and she didn’t care if it meant she could hide from the torturing spirits that plagued her.

Lightning crashed above her which provided a jagged light to her otherwise dark path, but it only confused her and she fell once more into the mud. Rain ran down her face and dripped off her chin and nose as it left trails of white where the dirt had been. Sobs escaped her as she tried to pull herself up once more to continue running. Her clothes were now torn and ragged and so was her spirit. She desperately tried to rise from the mud, but her strength gave out and she collapsed back down to the earth and just cried.

Confusion, Anger, Bitterness and Depression all swarmed above her jabbing at her mind and spirit. They jeer and taunted, swooped and swarmed never letting up for a moment. She couldn’t think, her mind was as muddy as the ground she laid upon and her tears fell as fast as the rain around her. Slowly she curled herself into a ball and gave way to the rush of emotions that surrounded her. On and on it rained and she matched it with her tears and sobs.

Depression moved in and told her she was worthless and no one cared or loved her. Anger and Bitterness teamed up as reinforcements with Confusion standing by to make matters worse when needed.

She didn’t understand, was it all really her fault? What could she have done differently? Did she really deserve the crushing remarks of: “You’re a jerk; I don’t need a friend like you.” Thunder clapped overhead as the stinging words echoed through her head. She had taken the rejection square on the jaw along with several other slaps to the face. She had tried to learn from the callous blows to her integrity and character, but it never seemed like she was good enough. She tried so hard, what else did they expect? Perfection maybe? She wasn’t perfect even though she tried so hard to be; now she was depressed and confused over the friendships lost, angry over the hurtful words aimed at her and bitter because she didn’t know what else she could have done. As the rain gained more strength she just turned her head into the mud and cried.

An Inspiration

2006-10-02T12:59:00.000-04:00

I found a quote today that really stopped me in my tracks and made me think. It went like this:

Watch your thoughts; for they become words.
Choose your words; for they become actions.
Understand your actions; for they become habits.
Study your habits; for they will become your character.
Develop your character; for it becomces your destiny.
~Frank Outlaw

Questions About Life

2006-09-28T14:50:00.000-04:00

Life likes to throw curves at you and if you don’t learn to duck and swerve things could get interesting. Some people like to see the curves as learning experiences; others see them as obstacles and hindrances. Personally, I think curves are just plain annoying.

I’m a very organized person. I like having my life planned out years in advance. I like to stay the course and when things change or life throws a curve at me, I tend to get hit instead of dodging.

So when is it good to have goals, plans, dreams and desires for your life that are all mapped out and when do you learn to go with the flow? Does God give you dreams and visions and then expect you to find the right way to go from there? I don’t think so, but sometimes it gets really hard to see what His plans are for my life and what my plans are. Could they possibly be one and the same? What if I’m just afraid to trust? Is there any one right answer to this question?

I know what I want for my life, but what if it isn’t what God wants? Do I keep getting in God’s way? Am I so closed minded that I could possibly miss a curve that He wants me to take?

One day I feel at peace with my decision as to what I want out of life and where I want to go; the next I’m questioning everything I was at peace about. I think my problem is I’m just too afraid of failing. There are times when I get so scared I’m going to miss God’s plan that I’m afraid to do or try anything. I then tend to doubt myself and my abilities.

My life is so full of question marks right now. Things bug me. I want answers I don’t have. The questions that get me down are: What does God want me to do? What is the next move for my life? Will I ever find the right person to marry? Would I make someone a good wife? What if God wants me to stay single, could I handle that? Is the want of something more than the typical life of getting married, raising kids, becoming a grandparent and then inevitably dying necessarily wrong?

What if I want to find and marry a guy who will work beside me helping troubled teens make a life for themselves? What happens if I want to possibly put off having children, maybe forever, so I can help the kids without families?

God has given the command that as a Christian I have the responsibility to raise godly children, so is saying I possibly may not want kids throwing that opportunity back in God’s face? Or, can I take the young children and teens that are not wanted by their families and raise them to be godly young people who have a purpose in life? There are several answers to these questions: possibly, maybe and I don’t really know.

Free At Last

2006-09-07T12:53:00.000-04:00

The sun could shine or it could rain, she didn’t care anymore. She was free, free at last. The newness that had washed over her was refreshing and energizing. She had always known that if she would just take her hands off and allow God to control her life things would be much better, she had just never had the courage before now. She had to hit rock bottom to finally realize that God is much better at running her life than she would ever be.

The deep satisfaction and overwhelming joy she felt could not be described. For the first time in her life she was finally seeing what it meant to be happy. Oh she still had her days of discouragement and the feeling of being stuck in a rut, but this was not the deep depression she had fallen into before. God was running her life now and that was a peaceful thought.

Contentment was a new feeling as well. Being content with where she was in life brought about a complete change to the way she looked at things. Learning to be content with who she was opened a new doors for her as well. She no longer had to worry what people thought about her and then try to conform to who she thought they wanted her to be. Instead of feeling like she had to be perfect she could now laugh at her mistakes and join in the jokes others made about them. She was finally content to be her true self.

Her soul was soaring high and people were starting to notice a change in her. Some were confused and asked if she was feeling alright because she was never this happy. Others were asking what had changed and why she was so free and joyful. She would just smile and say it was God because He was the only one who could bring about such a change.

The sun could shine or it could rain, she didn’t care anymore. She was free, free at last.

Solitude

2006-08-14T10:35:00.000-04:00

She found the spot of solitude she had been looking for. She sat down and looked out over the flowing valleys with rivers and beautiful trees. The mountains in the far distance were sprinkled with snow and the clouds were wispy as they floated by with ease and grace. The sun was setting and it cast beautiful shades of red and orange over the valley. Birds were flying and the wind was wistful and yet playful. The night was perfect in every sense of the word.

As she sat there on a boulder overlooking the valley she was quiet and thoughtful. Life has thrown her many curves and she had tried to deal with them as best she could without complaining or letting on. She kept everything inside to the best of her ability. She didn’t like burdening her friends with the problems in her life. So many things had happened that no one knew about. The pain of the past was something she tried to bury deep down inside and then she tried to cover it with a mask of smiles and laughter.

She didn’t have many friends. In fact, she had pushed most of the people she cared about away. She only allowed people so close and absolutely no closer. If anyone crossed that unseen line she would push them out of her life, and emotions, and build a wall faster than you could say friendship. She had been doing this for so long now that is came second nature to her. She didn’t know any other way.

But that is not why she sought solitude this night. She sought this place of quiet because she didn’t know where else to go. Her life was lonely, but she had done that to herself. Her life didn’t have anyone that she loved or trusted because she had pushed them all away. Now she is living with the consequences of those decisions. She had worked so had to shut herself off so she wouldn’t or couldn’t be hurt by anyone. She was now facing the hard reality of what she had done with her life. She was alone.

She didn’t want to be this way any longer. She didn’t like not having anyone in her life with which she could share her deep and true thoughts. But as much as she wanted to share her life with someone, she didn’t know how to handle a relationship.

Right then and there she decided she was going to change. She didn’t know how long it would take to unlearn five years of pushing people away, but she was going to try. Her determination was as strong as the beauty that surrounded her. She stood up and looked over the valley one last time as the sun sank behind the clouds casting a beautiful ray of gold over them. She smiled, life was going to be tough for a while, but now she had a purpose. Now she was going to start living again.

My Secret World

2006-08-03T09:52:00.000-04:00

To any and all who have found my blog who know me:

Welcome! Feel free to browse and read my site, and then take it with a grain of salt. This blog was never meant to be found by anyone who knows me without being told in person.

This blog was/is my outlet of feelings (hence the name) were I can rant and rave about things going on at the time when I have no one to talk to. It will not change now...so if you like whining please read on.

Thanks for stopping by and if you want, feel free to leave a comment.

~Bubba

The River

2006-07-07T16:54:00.000-04:00

It appeared calm on the surface. In fact its stillness drew you to it. You would never know that just under the surface there was nothing but inner turmoil. No matter how hard you tried to look past the calm, still surface, you could not realized the peaceful serenity would kill you and drag you under without a second thought.

She was the same way. Maybe that’s what drew her to that spot whenever she just needed to get away and think. She held a connection with the river that no one else could see.

She appeared calm, cool and collected on the surface. To look at her you would never realize that just under the surface she was just like the river with raging inner turmoil. Her looks were guarded and her emotions were hidden behind a calm exterior, but deep down inside she had intense struggles with herself and who she was.

“Water under the bridge,” that’s what her past was. Now gone, never to return, but in its wake a long path of crushed emotions and painful memories. She couldn’t forgive herself for the past. Instead, she tried to deal with it the best she knew how.

No one knew of her little spot by the river. She liked it that way. It was her one place of refuge to run when she needed an escape route. “Her” river carried her thoughts far, far away to the ends of the sea and it hid her secrets. The river wouldn’t pass along the things she spoke to it. At times it raged in anger with her, at other times it was quite and still, almost crying with her. She trusted the river. She loved the river.

There was one way she wasn’t like the river though. The water never traveled over the same path twice. She on the other hand kept replaying the path she had traveled down over and over in her mind. She relived the moments of failure and cried. She tried to remember the happy times, but those were few. Time has a way of erasing the good and only remembering the bad; she was no different.

Its calmness called to her and she went. The inner mayhem spoke to her and she answered back. Yes they shared a connection not easily broken and they liked it that way.

It Only Hurts When I Breathe

2006-06-26T14:55:00.000-04:00

Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad

I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter fact

It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I've never looked back--
as a matter fact

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

------
Sung by: Shania Twain
Song Title: It Only Hurts When I Breath
CD: UP!

Brokenness Transformed

2006-05-23T10:39:00.000-04:00

Today she returned to that spot. The pieces still lay shattered on the ground where she had left them so long ago. But there was a difference in their appearance. The edges were worn down instead of sharp and the blood red color had faded.

Today was a hard day. Today tears would freely flow instead of being suppressed. Today healing would take place. Memories were going to be faced instead of shoved away to be dealt with later, and heartbreak was going to be repaired.

For you see today she returned to the spot where her broken heart lay shattered on the ground. Before it had been too painful to see or to deal with, she had walked away from that spot never knowing if she would be back to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together again. You see, her heart had been broken twice before and now the pieces were even smaller and harder to put back together. She didn’t know if she could do it. Wasn’t it just easier to walk away from that spot and never come back?

No, she was tired of running from the pain. She was tired of feeling the hurt and rejection and she was tired of not having anyone to love. She had faced the monsters in her life, she had changed. She was now willing to run the risk of putting her shattered, broken, and bleeding heart back together again and try to move on with her life instead of living in the past. That’s why she came back today.

As she knelt down on the ground beside the spot where the tiny slivers of what used to be her once tender heart, she just sat there for a moment, tears forming in the corner of her eyes, but she would not let them spill down just yet. Her old tendency of “I’m stronger that this, I don’t need to cry,” started to wash over her. But she pushed those thoughts away and reached for the first sliver of her heart.

The sliver she picked up was worn and scratched and covered with the dirt of neglect and years of no one taking care of it. The sliver had lost its color and its beauty of long ago. It was hard and calloused and it brought back memories. For you see, these pieces of her heart were not ordinary pieces. Each sliver had a memory attached to it, a name, a face, an incident. Each piece was unique in and of itself, but every piece fit together with every other piece to form a very delicate web known as a lifetime.

As she looked at the first piece she had picked up, she saw the memory it contained and pain swallowed her features, but she didn’t allow herself to cry yet. She took a deep breath and reached for the second piece. Again, the second piece contained a memory that she had suppressed for so long she had forgotten about it. But again, she did not cry. Another and another piece came into her hand and she painstakingly started putting the pieces back together. The memories came flooding back with a great rush, but she did not allow herself to give in to them.

Finally she could take it no more and she broke down in tears. The pieces she had worked so hard on slipped through her fingers and crashed to the ground again, splintering into the thousands of tiny pieces they had been for so long. She heard them shatter again as the hit they ground and she covered her face in her hands and cried. She cried like she had never cried before. She wept openly and without restraint. She rocked back and forth on her knees beside the pieces of her broken heart and the tears rained down on them.

Then a peculiar thing started to happen. While she was engrossed in her sobbing, the tears splashed the tiny pieces below transforming them into the radiant pieces they used to be. The dirt from the years of neglect started washing away and that’s when the strangest things of all started taking place.

The tears had some type of healing effect on the thousands of broken pieces. They started joining themselves together, fitting perfectly. As the girl cried harder, the heart came together. She had no idea what was taking place beneath her, but she started to feel something changing inside her. Calmness, peace and a reassurance everything was going to be okay flooded her soul and she started to check her tears. Slowly she opened her eyes and wiped the tears off her face. She took a deep breath and then something caught her eye. She looked down and there, lying before her was her once broken heart put back together and catching the warm rays of the sun and filling the spot with a brilliant red glow of love and healing.

She gently reached down and picked the perfect heart up and just stared at it for the longest time. She looked at every inch of that heart, but could find no seams or cracks. The once broken and shattered pieces where once again flawless and whole, ready to love and feel again.

The girl walked away from that spot for the second time. This time she knew she would never return. The pain was being left behind and the perfect, flawless heart was leaving with her. She walked away from that spot with tears of joy and peace running down her face and her heart cradled in her arms.

Why Not Me?

2006-05-04T15:35:00.000-04:00

“The heart is deceitful above all things…who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9

Has your heart ever deceived you? Has is tricked you into thinking you love someone or that they may possibly like/love you back? Only to find in all actual reality that it’s only one sided, your side?

Well, I have found this to be true not only once, but twice. I manage to pick and fall for men that never seem to return the ‘favor.’ Ok, so I’m kidding on that one. But in all seriousness I have liked two different guys who will never return my affections.

One guy I’ve managed to stop liking for the most part. But there is one who every time I see him, I fall all over again. Unfortunately he sees me as a close friend and nothing more. He even had the audacity to tell me he wants to marry a girl like me, and that he has found someone who reminds him of me. He then adds insult to injury by telling me we (this girl and I) look alike, act the same, and even have the same name! I just had to stand there and take it with a smile and try to act like he hadn’t just shoved a knife through my heart. You see, he doesn’t know I like him. Now, he never will as much as I want to tell him, I can’t. I refuse to chase a guy who obviously doesn’t feel for me the same way I feel for him. I just wish there was some way to tell him, but then I would have to endure his rejection.

So, I try to go on and not think about him and move on with my life and that works for a while. That is anyway, until he comes back for a visit and I see him again. I have stood by this guy through thick and thin. I have defended him to people who tried to rip him to pieces; I have encouraged him when he was going through the toughest times of his life. I have worked side-by-side with him, and I have prayed for him until he became a Christian, and now I’ve been encouraging him down that road as no one else thinks he’ll keep on. I know God has great plans for this guy, and I would love to be by his side, but now I have to watch him slip through my fingers and go after another girl with my name and my personality, someone just like me. One question: why, if he wants someone like me, why not…me?

Well, there are so many questions with so few answers. Maybe someday I’ll have then, then again, maybe I’ll wonder the rest of my life.

What Hurts the Most

2006-04-27T17:56:00.000-04:00

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

-------
What Hurts the Most
Sung by: Rascal Flatts
CD: Me and My Gang

A Night to Remember

2006-04-10T13:14:00.000-04:00

The sky was blue and a warm wind was blowing. The grass was green and it beckoned to be walked upon with bare feet. It was early evening, just about the time crickets start to sing and fireflies light up the dusk begging to be watched.

She was alone, but she didn’t mind. The night was calling to her and the wind playfully caught the strands of loose hair about her, softly blowing them away from her longing face. The sunset was turning into a beautiful dream just waiting to be chased. The breeze picked up a little tugging at her skirts. She looked off into the distance, putting up her hand to shade her eyes from the fast fading sun.

She could resist no longer. She grabbed a light jacket and headed off into the sunset with little care as to where she was going. She just needed to get off by herself…alone. She needed time to think, to let her thoughts wonder, to enjoy a beautiful spring night.

Like most walks with no destination, she ended up in her favorite thinking spot; a little creek with water tripping and bubbling over the stones lying peacefully along the bottom. The log she usually sat on was resting undisturbed along the bank and it softly called to her. She sat down on 'her' log and thought to herself with a sad smile that it fit one person just fine. Well, that was ok, after all, there was no one to share it with.

As she sat there the night life came alive. The crickets sang louder, frogs started chiming in, and the birds were winding down their songs for the night. The sun was almost gone and the clouds were fast losing their radiant colors. The breeze became cooler and stars started to twinkle. Still she sat there, not thinking, not feeling, just sitting. Suddenly a tear formed in the corner of her eye and then it slowly started following the contours of her face, down, down it went, unchecked in its course. Another followed in the first’s path, and soon several more came creeping down.

You see, being alone for this young girl was something she was getting accustomed to. She was used to living and doing things with only herself. She even, at times, had herself convinced that she was happier alone. She didn’t need anyone to care for her; she was doing just fine caring for herself. After all, letting people take care of her required that they knew she might need something, and in order for someone to know she needed, they would have to be close to her, and allowing someone to be close was only opening herself up for pain and rejection. No, she was better off alone.

But then nights like this would happen, the beautiful sunset, the warm gentle breeze, the green grass, and the crickets would all call to the loneliness inside her and she would take off for her thinking spot only to end up in tears. You see, it was only when in her secluded thinking spot she would allow herself to think and feel. No one was around to see her pain, and no one would hear her sobs. Instead, once she left that spot, a face of determination would be plastered on and a smile that didn’t reach the deep recesses of her heart would be worn. No one would ever know the pain that was hidden deep down inside her. No one would break the barrier; they couldn’t because she wouldn’t allow it. She is vulnerable, but she had to put her guard up so she wouldn’t be taken advantage of again. She only needed her solitary times to sit and think, cry a little, get over her loneliness, and then move on with her life.

The night was now dark, the starts where her only companion. The brook was singing to itself, and the crickets were now only softly chirping. The breeze was quietly whispering through the leaves on the trees leaving behind it a sad, mournful sound. On she sat, tears still falling unchecked, and no one listening.

What are you?

2006-03-29T17:52:00.000-05:00

Why do we put so much store in loving and being loved? Why are we as humans always striving to find the “perfect” relationship which we call love? What composes a relationship anyway?

Well, first of all, there are many levels to a relationship. 1. Acquaintances, 2. Friends, 3. Close friends who know you better than you know yourself (rare). 4. Lovers, and 5. Your spouse.

Wow, that’s a lot of ways to have a relationship. Let’s look at them individually.

1. Acquaintances
Acquaintances are those you know at a passing glance. Every now and then you may exchange a couple words, but that’s about it.

2. Friends
Friends are those people with whom you hang out with. You do things together for fun, you sit together at work for lunch, when you’re bored you call them up and ask them if they’re doing anything. You work together and play together, but you never get to the serious side of life or your deep thoughts.

3. Close Friends
Close friends are the ones above, but with an added sense of security. These are the people you call or talk to when you’re going through a hard time. These friends are the ones that share your ups and downs and the ins and outs of life. You rarely ever have more than two close friends. If you do, you are one blessed person.

4. Lovers
Ah, lovers, the one you spend all your time with, the one whom you hope to spend the rest of your life with. This person holds a special place in your heart; they know you inside and out. They know the good and the bad and choose to stick it out anyway. They love you for who you are and don’t ask you to change.

5. Your Spouse
Your spouse is your lover turned wife or husband. The only difference is the fact they have chosen to love you no matter what comes your way. They have made you a permanent part of their life.

See, relationships have all different levels, and you have all kinds of friends in each stage. Some you trust with your heart, others, just with your time.

What kind of “friend” are you? There’s a thought to chew on for a while.

Maybe Someday

2006-03-26T23:50:00.000-05:00

What is it like to be in love?

What is it like to be held in someone’s arms, to have a chest to lay your head on and a shoulder to catch your tears?

What is it like to feel the burning desire to be with someone, to feel warm and safe? What is it like to be the object of someone’s love to the point of wanting to spend the rest of your lives together?

What is it like to be full of passion and tenderness toward someone else? What is it like to have someone hold you in his strong embrace, to touch you tenderly, to kiss you gently all night long?

What is it like to wake up and roll over and see the one you love sleeping beside you and have a sense of contentment wash over you because you're loved?

I don’t know, but I wish I did.

Maybe someday I’ll find out. Maybe…someday…someone will feel this way about me and I him.

The Green-Eyed Monster

2006-03-26T00:06:00.000-05:00

It’s called the ‘green-eyed monster.’ This monster has a way of rising its ugly head when you least expect it. You’ll be going about your life as happy as a bird just let out of its cage, when wham, it strikes. It leaves you reeling with thoughts and feeling you never knew or realized existed inside you.

This monster has ruined a lot of lives because it chose to rear its head. It strikes at the most vulnerable place a person has, the heart. It causes people to see into things that may not really be there, yet you’re just sure it is. In fact, you’re positive things are the way you see them. It clouds your view of life and your reasoning skills when you need them the most.

Yes, I’m talking about the ‘green-eyed monster’ of jealousy. Why is it that you can be going about your life not having a care in the world, when all of a sudden you see someone getting or giving attention to someone else and you just want to scream?

Maybe it’s just that you don’t want something for yourself so you push it away, but you don’t want anyone else to have it either. You wish you could have this thing, you want this thing, but you’re afraid that if you allow it in your life you’ll get hurt, and you can’t allow yourself to be hurt again.

So you keep relationships at arms length. You don’t let anyone near your heart, let alone your deep thoughts and passions. You’re happy for other people who have a relationship, and you want to have one too…one day, but you just can’t get past allowing someone to see the real you. You’ve been hurt one too many times and now you’re afraid of opening up. Why?

Now jealousy has a ripe garden to play in. You start on the comparing game. You think to yourself maybe I should be more like her…or maybe I should try to be more outgoing. It’s a ruthless battle that fights and churns in your mind. You mentally beat yourself up for not being someone else.

Once you determine to be like another person, you find that being them is not you and you start to sink even lower. Now jealousy is moving in for the kill. It strikes at your self worth and your self esteem. You sink lower and lower, wishing you could just curl up and die, and you’re just sure no one would notice that you were gone. Jealousy is now having a hay day; it’s throwing a party like never before. It’s happy because it’s winning, and you’re the loser.

With such a monster living inside you and beating you down all the time, how do you manage to defeat it? It won’t be ignored, and it won’t just go away on its own. You have to take the first step and continue on until it’s completely and totally destroyed.

How? This remains to be the million dollar question, and you have no lifelines left.

Thoughts on Relationships

2006-03-22T13:51:00.000-05:00

Things have been going crazy lately. I’ve started my new job and I’m also trying to finish up my schooling for the semester.

Not too much of interest is going on in my life right now. I went home last weekend to see my family and go skiing. I had a blast, but I also have several ugly looking bruises! Ya know the saying no pain no gain? Well, I could argue the point.

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I was asked a few days ago by a guy friend of mine if I was enjoying being single. I know this blog isn’t here to keep people updated on my relationship status, but I have come to a mile marker in my life. I told this friend I’m completely happy with who I am right now and that if being single is what I am, then I’m happy.

So many girls run around trying to snag the best looking boy, or if they’re desperate enough, just any available guy who happens to look at them a split second too long. Who wants to be in a relationship that is founded on desperation? Talk about an unhappy existence!

Call me old fashioned, but I would much rather prefer to wait longer and watch guys to see what they are like before I dive into a relationship. I’m also not out to ‘get a guy.’ I want him to approach me, and if he is someone I’m interested in I’d give the relationship a thought and maybe a chance. Old school I know, but this is how I was brought up. Girls are not supposed to be the aggressors in a relationship, the guys are.

Do guys want to be asked out by a girl, or called all the time by girls? I don’t know. I was trained to believe that the man is the authority figure in a relationship and is supposed to take the lead. Now I’m not saying that girls are supposed to allow men to walk all over them and abuse their authority. No way! But I do believe with my whole heart that if I as a girl do not allow a man to be the leader in a dating relationship, he’ll never be a leader once we are married and have a family. Is this so wrong to believe? Help me guys. What are your thoughts?

So anyway, these are just some thoughts running through my mind today.

Friends or Enemies?

2006-03-07T17:29:00.000-05:00

Anger and frustration gripped my heart as I heard the words, “we broke up last night.” I can’t explain the feeling of wanting to go out and pound the pulp out my friend’s now ex-boyfriend.

I had to leave for work so I couldn’t stay and wrap this person up on cotton wool so they couldn’t feel anything and so the pain in their eyes would just go away instead of haunt the daylights out of me. Tears streamed down my face as I realized I was helpless to do or say anything.

I can only pray things work out. Maybe someday they’ll get back together.

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It’s at times like the above, that I begin to wonder if I ever want to allow myself to have a relationship. I can’t stand being alone, but I can’t handle being rejected. I know that a relationship has no guarantee of lasting forever, but I sure would like them to.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to wake up and the whole dating thing would be over and I would find myself happily married. But that is why we dream, it’s our only way of escaping reality.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love having friends, but I don’t like losing friends. I take it really hard when a friend walks out of my life instead of staying forever…I know, unrealistic expectations, but I’ve lost so many people in my life I have a hard time losing more.

Oy, thank goodness time does heal all wounds, because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to go on.

The Sailor

2006-02-28T22:15:00.000-05:00

The waves were crashing around, the rain was pounding, and it was dark…so very dark. The will to live and fight was vanishing as quickly as the waves were swelling and rolling. The sea was angry; it churned and lashed taking its rage out on anything within its reach. The dark black waves were hungry, never satisfied, they were searching for something, but they didn’t know what. The sea was restless, angry, and alone.

Alone in the dark, angry sea a young sailor was fighting for his life. He clutched his life vest with what little strength he had left hoping each time he would rise with a wave he would see a light, a boat, a saving hand, a rescuer. He had lost count of the many times help and rescue had passed ever so close, but never hearing his feeble screams for help. They had been so close, yet so very far away. Faith and hope of ever being rescued were beginning to wane.

The young sailor began drifting in and out of unconsciousness. He was cold, hungry, and delirious. Hypothermia began to take its tool on his ravaged body, and he started hallucinating. He screamed in utter terror as the waves turned into gigantic whales trying to kill him, and the lightning strikes were spears in the hands of angry men wanting to run him through. And the search light from a rescue boat was the world exploding around him. As the big ball of bright light got closer and closer he tried to muster the last of his strength to swim away from it, but he couldn’t move. He gave one more terror stricken scream and then finally passed out from sheer exhaustion.

The sailor never heard the desperate cries, or felt himself being pulled aboard a rescue boat, or the warmth of the blankets wrapped around him in an attempt to restore some of the lost warmth of his body. He never saw the faces of the men and women who had risked their lives to brave the rolling, angry sea to save him. The only thing he knew was that he saw a bright light.

Slowly he opened his eyes. He blinked painfully, trying to focus on something, anything. What was that bright light? He tried to form words, but his lips were so cracked and bleeding that he couldn’t speak. He tried to move his hands, but they felt like a dead weight. Finally a groan passed through his bleeding lips, alerting a nurse that he was awake. She walked over to him and bent over, trying to get in his line of sight. When she saw that he had seen her, she softly spoke, “You are safe sir. You were rescued from the ocean and brought here to the hospital three days ago. Welcome back.”

Safe, that thought registered in the sailor’s mind. Warm, dry, and comfortable, he was no longer alone. He was being cared for and he would recover. Slowly he drifted back into a peaceful slumber.

He was safe.

Women and Rights

2006-02-21T23:48:00.000-05:00

Should women have rights?

Here’s a compelling speech I found off the movie, A Man Called Peter, where Catharine Marshall is speaking to a crowd of young men and women. She states:

“I never thought much about being a girl, until 2 years ago, when I learned, what a wonderful thing it is to be a woman. I considered myself lucky to be living in the 20th century, the century of progress and emancipation. The century when supposedly we women came into our own. But, I'd forgotten that the emancipation of women really began with Christianity, when a girl, a very young girl, received the greatest honor in history. She was chosen to be the mother of the Savior of the world. When her son grew up and began to teach His way of life, He ushered woman into a new place in human relations. He accorded her a dignity she had never known before, and crowned her with such glory that down through the ages she was revered, protected, and loved. Men wanted to think of her as different from them, better, made of finer, more delicate clay. It remained for the 20th century, the century of progress, to pull her down from her throne. She wanted equality. For 1900 years she had not been equal. She had been superior. To stand equal with men, naturally, she had to step down. Now, being equal with men, she has won all their rights and privileges. The right to get drunk, the right to swear, the right to smoke, the right to work like a man, to think like a man, to act like a man. We've won all this, but how can we feel so triumphant when men no longer feel as romantic about us as they did about our Grandmothers? We've lost something sweet and mysterious, something as hard to describe as the haunting, wistful fragrance of violets.
Of course, these aren't my original thoughts. But from these thoughts some of my own were born, and the conclusion reached that somewhere along the line we women got off the track. Poets have become immortal by remembering on paper - a girl's smile - but I've never read a poem rhapsodizing over a girl's giggles at a smutty joke, or I've never heard a man brag that his sweetheart or his wife could drink just as much as he and become just as intoxicated. I've never heard a man say that a girl's mouth was prettier with a cigarette hanging out of it, or that her hair smelled divinely of stale tobacco.”

So I ask again, should women have rights? Should a woman be allowed to degrade herself? To pull herself down from her once highly esteemed position?

What has happened to us women that we feel we need to be equal instead of treasured or cherished? Why have we become degraded into something that garnishes no respect?

Instead we have allowed ourselves the right to open our own doors, to be independent of men, to be treated as equals instead of treasured, and we have lost the respect that men have tried to give us over the years.

Men, I don’t blame you for not treating women the way your grandfathers once did. It’s not your fault that girls just don’t want to be seen as worthy of the proper kind of respect. You’re just giving us what we have asked and fought for. But, if you do see a girl who is trying to be a lady, treat her as such and you’ll both soon come to realize a new feeling or worthiness.

Girls, let’s get back to allowing men to treat us as young women instead of an equal. Don’t sigh in disgust when a guy opens a door for you or offers to take your tray up to the dish room. Instead, thank them and allow yourself to bask in the glory of being treated like a queen.

So in conclusion, should women have rights? Yes, if they are going to degrade themselves and relinquish the respect they once had, then they deserves that right.

It’s up to us girls, what kind of rights do we really want? Make a wise choice, because we get what we ask for.

Single Awareness Day

2006-02-14T16:32:00.000-05:00

Beep, beep, beep…I groaned as my alarm went off. Who set that blasted thing to go off at such an unearthly hour? 6:00 a.m. is what it read; I groaned again and hit the snooze button. Just another day to hit the school books and try not to fall asleep in class, yup another normal, boring day. Or so I thought.

My alarm was going off again; I stumbled out of bed and shut it off. I walked over to turn the light on and then went and tried to find my toothbrush, trying to avoid the mirror so I didn’t scare myself, and then headed for the door. Just another day, another routine to follow, I could handle this I thought, that was until I opened the door.

I started out of my room and down the hall when my foot hit something on the floor. I looked down and saw a little card and a small piece of chocolate in the shape of a heart wrapped in red tin foil. Valentines Day. How could I have forgotten? I hit my head against the door and then stooped to pick up the card and candy. “How nice,” I thought with a cynical smile and started back down the hall very aware of the fact that I would be receiving no roses, after all, I’m single and enjoying it…yeah, right.

Isn’t it amazing how you can start your day off in a really good, although somewhat annoyed, mood, only to have it come crashing down when you least expect it? I had been content with my life, which is until I was reminded I don’t have anyone to share it with. Sigh, well, I made the decision to enjoy my day anyway, even if I was going to have to watch other girls get roses and chocolate.

Yes, I was going to have a good day no matter what, I wasn’t going to let some silly day get me down. I went back to my room, pulled my hair back into a French braid and grabbed something blue to wear. My resolve was coming back, and so was my confidence. “Yes, I do enjoy being single, in fact” I thought to myself, “I might even reward myself and go to the art museum.” Yes indeed, this would be a special day.

I don’t have to have roses or a guy to feel good about myself. I’m beginning to see this concept from a new angle. I need to be comfortable with myself before I can be comfortable around others. Well, I’m going to try my best, expand my horizons and make new friends. Yes, an annoying day has turned into a wonderful day.

Happy Valentines Day one and all!

Shattered

2006-02-08T23:34:00.000-05:00

It shattered into a million pieces as it crashed to the ground. The slivers were so tiny there would be no hope of ever putting them back together again, let alone find them all. Tears welled up in my eyes, but they would not fall. My emotions were too stubborn to come forward; instead they repressed themselves deep down inside me, refusing to be let out.

I turned and walked away from that awful sight, not allowing myself to care, or to look back. One too many times my heart had been shattered, now, I was leaving it behind. I was tired of picking up the pieces and starting over. Yes, one too many times I had been hurt. But no more. I was walking away, leaving the pieces to pick themselves up.

The sting of rejection never goes away. Six years…you would think after six years it would leave, or at least become dull. But no, the ache still hurts, the pain still throbs, and the tears still won’t come. Dreams still haunt, the memories don’t fade, they keep coming back to taunt, to jeer, to point, to laugh.

Yes, there are millions of pieces of my heart lying shattered on the ground, but the sting of rejection is still as fresh as the first day, the first moment, the first hint. Hardness is trying to creep in and steal what is left, but I refuse it, I try to push it away, I don’t want it to come. But it keeps coming back, it keeps knocking, it keeps pushing…whispering… pleading…begging….

My strength is waning, my courage to start over again is lacking. The little child inside of me is crying, it wants to be held, loved, cared for. The adult tries to wear a mask and a smile, but they only hold for so long before they begin to crack and break away. It’s only a matter of time before the walls come crashing down to crush the tenderness that is welling up inside…yes, only a matter of time before I get trampled again, only this time there will be nothing left to pick up and start over with.

I walked away from the slivers of my shattered heart catching the glimpses of the sun shining down upon them that day. I turned my back on them, but one day I will return, one day I will pick them up again…but not now, not while the pain is still so fresh. I need time to heal, time to feel, and time to forget.

Broken Windows

2006-02-06T23:32:00.000-05:00

I have been working really hard lately on controlling my very over imaginative imagination. I have been doing quite well, I no longer scream when someone comes up behind me unexpectedly, and I don’t jump when someone walks around a blind corner. Unfortunately though, I was not prepared for what happened last night.

I had just gotten back from a nice weekend away with my family; I walked into my dorm room alone, and set my duffle bag on the floor. I noticed the room was rather warm so I promptly went over to the window and opened it up about five inches to allow some cooler air to circulate into the room. Satisfied my room would soon be cooler I turned from the window and started taking my hair down. All of a sudden the window came crashing into my room and I about screamed. I hurriedly jumped back and headed for the door, but stopped short of running out.

As I stood in my room wondering what in the world was going to happen next, I slowly started walking back toward the window. My imagination took over and was I was desperately hoping no one was going to come through the window and attack me (minor detail I’m on the second floor of a college dorm). As nothing continued to happen I went and asked a friend to come help me reinstall my window even though my room was a mess, and I was slightly shaken.

Thankfully nothing was broken and the window didn’t hit me. All my vases of flowers, pictures of friends, and candles were all over the floor. My friend and I managed to put the window back in its frame and I proceeded to put my room back together. Needless to say I’m not opening my window again any time soon.

I said all that to say this: even though I was totally freaked out, I didn’t scream. A great accomplishment for me!

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I am now officially jobless. Today was my last day at work. I have an interview for another job on Thursday of this week, but it could be another two weeks before I know if I get this job or not. Well, at least I don’t have any excuses for not getting ahead in my homework now. This should be interesting, I don’t do well when I’m not on a schedule, I tend to daydream and get nothing accomplished. I guess I should make myself a list of things to get done and start working on them. Sigh, discipline and responsibility are two things I need to work on…

The Rose

2006-02-03T18:49:00.000-05:00

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the winter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.

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Words by:
Bette Midler

Weekends and Valentines

2006-02-03T18:31:00.000-05:00

This weekend is packed full. I am going to meet my family (whom I haven’t seen in almost two months) in Dayton this evening and then tomorrow we are going to spend the day at the Air Force Museum.

Saturday night I’m going to a friend’s house to play a rousing game of Texas Hold’em and hopefully defend my nick-name of “poker bully.” I managed to win a game a couple of weeks ago and now my friends are mad because they taught me how to play. I think it’s funny...not that I'm gloating or anything. ;)

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Sigh, the Valentines Banquet is this coming weekend and I’m trying to find something to do or somewhere to go so I don’t have to be here. This time of year really sucks when you don’t have that “significant other” in your life. Last year I went to Tennessee with a friend, but unfortunately I’m stuck here this year. If only I had a place of escape…

Bad days and wrong words

2006-01-31T23:50:00.000-05:00

Bad days come to everyone, today just happened to be my day, and it was absolutely horrible. Today was one of those, “man I wish I could go back to bed and start this day over again,” kind of day.

There is nothing worse than the wrong thing being said at the wrong time and then it getting back to the wrong people. Sometimes you open your mouth and say something, and as soon as those words have passed your lips you know you said the wrong thing and there’s nothing you can do about it now. Unfortunately, this is what my day was comprised of, the horrible sick feeling of: “I shouldn’t have said that.” Now those words are coming back to haunt me.

Well, I’ve done the best I can. I apologized. Now I have to go on and try to act like nothing happened. Yeah…right. Sometimes it really sucks to be me.

Stress does funny things to people. Tempers flare, words get said, people get hurt, and life takes a downhill plunge. Sometimes you have to stand up for what is right, even when it’s not the popular thing to do. But when you take a stand and confront the wrong being done you get labeled: troublemaker.

Wow, I’m tired, I shouldn’t be blogging when I’m exhausted and have had a bad day.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.